When 26-year-old Nicole Jackson of Newton, Mass., told her group of single friends that Sam, her boyfriend of three years, had finally popped the question, they were dumbstruck. “I figured we’d all be single forever, so it came as a shock when one of us decided to take the plunge,” says Cate Ellison, 27, a devout single-clan member from Westport, Conn. She was convinced that once Jackson uttered “I do” she’d vanish into thin air.
But two years after walking down the aisle, Jackson’s still around. And, while they see less of each other now that Jackson’s freewheeling single days are over, they still manage to fit in a couple of coffee chats or dinner dates a month. “Getting married doesn’t mean giving your single friends the ax,” says Jackson. “Eventually, your relationship with them adjusts and somehow you manage to work it out.” But, Jackson admits it’s not easy.
Married women already have a hard time trying to balance career and family; add single friends to the list and it’s enough to drive any woman over the edge. First, there’s the issue of time. When 28-year-old Sara Rosenthal of Wellesley, Mass., got married in spring 2002, she felt overwhelmed by her new responsibilities as a wife. “Suddenly, I had a second family, a new house to take care of and a baby on the way. I was lucky to get an hour to myself a week.” As a result, she rarely saw her single friend, Jolie, during her first year of marriage. Then one day over coffee, the two friends made a pact that no matter how busy they became, they’d have dinner together the first of every month sans their significant others. Setting this specific date relieved the pressure both felt to see each other and is a great way for them to stay connected despite the different paths their lives are taking.
In Jackson’s case, spending time with her single friends is a priority. She devotes two Thursday nights a month to them. Sam goes out with his single friends on the Thursdays when Nicole stays home.
The second hurdle both single and married parties need to overcome is psychological. Many women feel distant from their single pals when they first tie the knot. Suddenly, they’re no longer bonded by the quest to find Mr. or Ms. Right. When Erica Corsano, 30, of Boston, got married in the summer of 2002, her single best friend, Ali Harper began to resent her. “I wasn’t sure if there was any place for me in Erica’s new life,” says Harper, a New York City native. In a way, she was right. When a woman decides to get married, her priorities change, and what once made her happy, might not anymore. Before Corsano got hitched, the two friends often met for happy hour drinks and late-night dancing, but now Corsano enjoys more low-key activities like brunch. “When you’re single, you always want to go out and meet people, but once you’re married you don’t feel that pressure,” she says.
Once the two friends adjusted to the change in their relationship, they figured out new ways to have fun together. On Sundays, they go to the gym and grab a coffee afterwards. And instead of hitting the local bars, they take turns hosting dinners with friends every month. Both are happy with the way things are. “Staying friends with single women when married isn’t impossible,” says Corsano. “It just takes dedication, time, and patience like anything else.”
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