The art of the blended family
The days of the traditional, mother-father-child family as the norm in our communities are increasingly rare. The nucleus has been redefined, crossing the borders of age, race, culture and even sexual orientation. In fact, according to the Stepfamily Foundation based in New York, 64% of all modern families are blended.
The foundation’s studies also reveal that two out of three blended families fail and, with that in mind, the question presents itself:. “How do the members of a blended family succeed in building a successful and rewarding family relationship?”
“In my experience in working with families, I have learned that success is equal to a family that is balanced, healthy and flourishing,” says Eileen Fair, licensed clinical social worker with the Hampshire Institute in Lewiston. “When families are able to prioritize the child or children in a healthy way, when the parents and their new partners are respectful of one another and can discuss their concerns for the child, it’s easier for me to work with them and help. Defining the new, blended family from a position of what works instead of focusing on the loss of or the reasons why the original family unit fell it apart is key.”
Fair also points to the importance of boundaries and communication in the blending of a families. “A single parent and a new partner must not only develop a sense of selves as a couple but also must define their roles as parents. For example, a woman marrying a man with children doesn’t take over all the parenting roles. The couple needs to be able to discuss what the parenting roles are going to be and to recognize that there will be times when the child or children will need time alone with the parent, separate from blended family time.”
The success of Mike and Cathie Langelier’s blended family experience illustrates Fair’s point. When Mike and Cathie began dating in August of 1999, Cathie had two sons, Alex (then 12) and Joey (then 9), from a previous marriage. The couple agrees; from the start, the focus was on the children.
“I knew Cathie had two boys when I started seeing her, and she was careful. She didn’t introduce me to them until she felt something good was coming of us. I didn’t meet them until early November, two months after we began dating. From then on, we spent time together. Although I was not living with them, with the boys’ hectic schedules, sometimes I would take one to his practice and Cathie would take the other in a different direction.”
“I knew Mike was the one,” says Cathie, recalling their courtship. “He just clicked with our family. He shared similar interests with the boys and his value system was similar to mine. From the first day, we just all hit it off.” Their first family day involved an all-day hockey tournament, four donuts, four goals, a Pokemon special event, and floor hockey in the basement.
“Mike’s interest in the boys was genuine,” Cathie added. “I just knew it was going to be a good thing.”
The couple didn’t date long before they both agreed their relationship was not only good, but heading in the same direction. On New Year’s Eve of 2000, they took both boys out to dinner at the Village Inn and told them about their plans to marry.
“I felt O.K with it,” acknowledges Alex, now 15. Joey agrees.
“I think they were too young to really think about what it would mean,” says Cathie, “and although the courtship was brief, the boys were involved in the relationship from the beginning. They were even included in the wedding.”
Still, later that year, Mike and Cathie made another announcement that would change the fabric of their new family. They were expecting a baby.
“I was okay with the marriage,” said Alex, “but when they said we were going to have a baby, it felt strange. I was a little concerned about how it would affect our family.”
“But I was happy about the baby,” pipes up Joey.
Again, Mike and Cathie chose to involve the boys as much as they could in sharing the pregnancy. They brought the boys along to the ultrasounds and together they learned the baby was a little girl. For Alex, it was the turning point.
“Then I started to get excited,” he admited.
Abbie’s arrival proved pivotal in bonding their new family together in a very real way.
“I’m Abbie’s godfather,” announces Alex proudly.
“She has really been the bridge that has connected us all,” Cathie confirmed.
Cathie, a social worker for Tri-County Mental Health in Lewiston, and Mike contribute the success of their blended family to setting priorities early on and maintaining a good relationship with the boys’ dad and his wife.
“When kids are involved,” said Cathie, “You can’t be selfish. It’s more than the couple – you have to consider the group and make good choices with everyone’s best interest in mind.”
“We don’t use the term “step” in our house,” Mike stressed. “We’re a family.” Mike makes every effort to be sensitive and respectful of the boys’ relationship to their dad as well. “I’ve always reinforced the fact that I know I am not their dad and would never try to take his place. I just let Alex and Joey know that I’m value-added!” He grins and continues, “and when I sit down to have a serious discussion with the boys, I make sure to qualify my words by letting them know that, though I’m not their dad, this is what I think or feel about a given situation.”
While the Langeliers faced the challenges of blending a younger family, Robert “Bob” and Catherine Thorpe of Auburn experienced a different scenario – that of blending families with older children later in life.
“One thing we learned was that although our children were over eighteen, they were each very attached to their single parent,” explained Catherine, “and if you think because they’re older, they won’t care, think again!”
“We were neighbors,” says Bob. “Our children knew each other growing up and even played together to some degree.” Still, with Bob’s first marriage ending due to his wife’s passing away, there was a grieving process for his family and later, introducing a new woman to the family, required sensitive managing, according the Catherine.
After Bob and Catherine’s marriage came another set of challenges unique to blended families with older children – sharing of holidays and splitting time among all six of the couple’s shared children.
“The holidays were definitely an issue. After all, with two families came two sets of traditions and two cultures,” describes Catherine. “There were two different lifestyles.”
The way the Thorpes made it work was by not being possessive of each other. As with the Langeliers, the Thorpes remained sensitive to the needs of their grown children. Sometimes that has meant spending time apart, other times together. For example, when Catherine’s daughter had a baby, she went alone to stay with her for a while.
“Sometimes it’s the little things like sitting in the back seat so a father and daughter can share a conversation,” says Catherine. “It’s about remembering who’s the adult and who’s the child. We yield to their needs.”
It’s been 19 years since the Thorpes successfully blended their families and married with all six children standing up along with them. In that time, as a family, they have traveled full circle. Bob has helped all the kids with work around their homes, and Catherine’s daughter refers to Bob and Catherine as her “parents.”
“We didn’t force relationships,” Bob points out. “Like any young, married couple, we had a tendency to think about ourselves but, we always tried to be sensitive to the kids’ concerns and think about them.”
Both the Langeliers and the Thorpes are blended family success stories. While different with respect to setting and age of the children, both share commonalities in approach.
Bill Quateman, a parent for 25 years, father of a blended family, and author of “Daddy Daughter Dinner Dance,” a collection of essays, poetry and music illuminating the blended family experience, recognizes the gift of common threads as identified in the telling of stories of other families.
“As humans, we don’t have a model for how to be a family. For blended families, it’s even more complicated,” he said, “Whooping cranes learn to dance through watching other cranes. Humans teach each other how to be human through the stories we tell each other. Without education for how to make it work, it really is a labor of love [to be successful]. My kids taught me how to be a good parent.”
Quateman’s book is a collaborative effort between him and his daughter India, and is the telling, through lyrics, music, artwork and narrative, of their unique story of the journey toward a successful blending of family. With certainty, he says, “Generosity, kindness, caring and consideration – these are the elements that can help us in our family life if we are able to be still enough to attend to them.”
“Daddy Daughter Dinner Dance” and other books focusing on family relations are ready resources for families, blended or otherwise. Therapists like Eileen Fair and organizations, including Advocates for Children, provide support and education for those in search of guidance in parenting.
Although there is no clear formula guaranteeing a blended family’s success, there are common threads necessary to hold the fabric of family together. Those include consideration, respectfulness, couple strength, boundaries and a willingness to put the needs of the children first.
“Kids may feel conflicted from time to time, but if managed positively, they can work their way through it,” concludes Fair. “It’s important for people blending families to recognize that one failed relationship is not indicative of future failure. None of us is perfect. We always have time to repair and fine-tune.”
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