If you have been with your partner for more than three months, you have begun to develop a database on them. If you have been together a long time, you will have an even more extensive database. You could also call this a profile.
A database includes things like their favorites, their dreams, their fears, the subjects that are painful to them, what scares them, what makes them happy, how to discuss certain issues, and much more.
The trouble is that we tend to operate at times as if we have no knowledge at all of the person we say we know and love.
So why is that? I think it comes down to laziness. It’s easier it just do whatever comes to mind than it is to think it through with consideration for your partner. The problem with this is that just going with the flow can get you lost because many times the flow hasn’t a clue about where it is going.
An example would be when one spouse speaks sharply to the other, the second spouse has a choice: respond in a way that they know will defuse the situation or respond in a way that they know will enflame the situation.
Many people react with an enflaming response and wonder why things go downhill and get worse from there. It’s like throwing gas on a fire and wondering why it doesn’t put the fire out since the gas was wet.
One of the ways I’ve confirmed this database notion to be true is by asking each spouse a rather revealing question: “While I’m in no way suggesting you do this, if you were to get up tomorrow morning and dedicate the day to doing everything you know to do to make your spouse mad and/or hurt their feelings, would you know what to do?” Without exception, everyone gets a silly grin on their face and says “Well, of course.” That’s a very clear example of having a database on someone.
Now, the next obvious question is if you were to dedicate a day to doing everything you know that would treat your spouse well, would you know what to do? It might take a little more thinking, but I believe that anyone who can think of everything to do to bother someone could also think of many things to do to treat someone well.
For just one week, practice using your database with your partner and see what positive changes can come about.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
Visit his Web site at jeffherring.com.
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