We’re down to nine shopping days until Christmas and you still have people to buy for. That gal you don’t really know. The guy you don’t even like.
Here’s a suggestion: Try intangible and mythical gifts. They’re free. And in so many cases, they say it all.
Just check out my list:
To Boston Red Sox fans in Lewiston-Auburn and Greater Portland: A last-minute announcement that Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez are visiting this weekend. Anything would be a quantum leap from Lenny DiNardo, a relief pitcher who will represent the Sox in Portland even though he didn’t see any action in the playoffs.
No offense intended to state Sen. Peggy Rotundo and others whose persistence saved L-A from a complete snubbing, but even a bat boy would be welcome here. Instead, we get to have our pictures taken with the trophy. Which you could accomplish by purchasing an aluminum-foil replica at a jewelry store and propping it up in your basement.
To local motorists and pedestrians: Four months of common sense. Drove to work in the first snow squall of the season two weeks ago and a contest broke out to see who could spike my blood pressure highest.
Does every Jeep Cherokee owner tailgate? Does every driver of a sport pickup truck hold his foot to the floorboard as he pulls away from a stop sign in blind faith that the wheels will straighten? Do all walkers think insisting upon their right-of-way in the crosswalk in lousy traveling conditions is a splendid idea? I’m afraid the answers are “yes,” “darned straight” and “absolutely.”
To West Paris mom Tina Loring: The arrest and conviction of the home invader who last month smashed and poured out an urn that contained her 12-year-old daughter’s ashes. Oh, and if Loring ever does have the opportunity to face her tormentor in court, let’s throw in a second gift: restraint. Because if I were the victim, I’d be ready to kick that person’s ash, if you know what I mean.
To Burger King: Another campaign that hooks as much free advertising as SpongeBob does. Hey, when all else fails, tether an attractive nuisance to your roof and lead delinquents, juvenile or otherwise, into temptation.
To pet owners: Control over your animals. Shortly after dusk one Thursday night last April, a pair of draft horses emerged from a side road and attempted to cut me off at the pass on Route 202 in Greene. The day after Thanksgiving in Minot, police apprehended two 100-pound pigs that were tiptoeing along Route 124. Hey, it’s all fun and games until somebody gets a hoof through their windshield.
To Jesus, since it’s still supposed to be his holiday: A little respect. It wasn’t enough that convicted murderer Brandon Thongsavanh was said to have worn a T-shirt sporting a vulgar reference to Christ on the night of Bates student Morgan McDuffee’s killing. The prosecuting attorney’s multiple mentions of that detail in court have now earned Thongsavanh a new trial. Score another triumph for the First Amendment.
To the Colisee: A full-time general manager who isn’t juggling two other job titles. Oh, and some concerts, already. If you’re going to drain tax dollars like a civic center, generate revenue like a civic center.
To Lewiston-Auburn College: Space to accommodate your tremendous growth. Enrollment has risen 81 percent the last 10 years. As a related gift, maybe we could offer those new graduates livable wages within a 15-minute drive of their homes while we’re at it.
To area schoolteachers: Percentage raises equal to the ones your administrators consistently receive.
To parents, grandparents, spouses, children and siblings of local military personnel serving in Iraq: Peace, comfort and an e-mail on Christmas Eve.
That goes for everyone, come to think of it. Happy Holidays.
Kalle Oakes is the Sun Journal’s columnist. His e-mail is koakes@sunjournal.com.
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