Stacking up the haves and have-nots, through Week 3 of the NFL season:
1. Pittsburgh (3-0). Three wins over teams that haven’t lost to anyone else, led by two quarterbacks who don’t have any business being more than a backup.
2. Indianapolis (2-1). Starring Austin Collie as Wes Welker.
3. Atlanta (2-1). Could have won at Pittsburgh. Could have lost in N’awlins. Shows you the margin for error in this league.
4. Baltimore (2-1). Every year the Ravens sign an offensive free agent and promise they’re going to get better. Not seeing it. But they still have the Right Reverend Ray Freaking Lewis and that defense.
5. Green Bay (2-1). Two touchdowns better than the Bears at a neutral site, but the Packers aren’t going far if they don’t find a replacement for Ryan Grant.
6. New Orleans (2-1). Super Bowl Hangover in full effect.
7. Philadelphia (2-1). Based on his performance against the Lions and Jaguars, it appears that Michael Vick likes to terrorize cats, too.
8. Chicago (3-0). I still think Mike Martz is the most overrated offensive coordinator in history. Can’t argue with the Bears’ improvement on that side of the ball, though.
9. N.Y. Jets (2-1). By the grace of God and instant replay, Mark Franchise still hasn’t thrown an interception.
10. New England (2-1). Top 10 is charitable. Can’t give up 30 to the worst team in the league and a Harvard guy who should be starting in the UFL.
11. Houston (2-1). They are who we thought they were! Good enough to beat an AFC South rival at home. Bad enough to stink out the joint for seven of nine quarters against NFC East opponents.
12. Tennessee (2-1). If CJ2K ends up with more rush attempts than VY has pass attempts, the Titans probably go to the playoffs.
13. Dallas (1-2). Eliminate the red zone at both ends of the field and the last 30 seconds of each half and the Cowboys might be the best team of all time.
14. Miami (2-1). No-Name Defense II looked more like passive resistance against the Jets.
15. Cincinnati (2-1). Bengals could add a couple more malcontent receivers, and Cedric Benson still would be the best thing they have going.
16. Denver (1-2). Funny how many fruitless plays the Broncos tried to run from Indy’s 1-yard line Sunday while Tim Tebow was on the sideline holding a clipboard.
17. Kansas City (3-0). Thus answers the burning question of the week: “Are the Chiefs for real?”
18. Seattle (2-1). It’ll wear off, but right now the Seahawks are responding to Pete Carroll’s rah-rah act.
19. San Diego (1-2). Having diminished talent around him makes Philip Rivers even more of an infant. It’s a joy to watch.
20. Minnesota (1-2). Vikings might be 3-0 with Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson at QB.
21. Arizona (2-1). Why didn’t the Cardinals send three henchmen to Kurt Warner’s house the second week of August?
22. N.Y. Giants (1-2). 4-10 since a 5-0 start last year.
23. Oakland (1-2). Scary thing is, Sebastian Janikowski was one of the Raiders’ BEST No. 1 picks of the last decade.
24. Tampa Bay (2-1). Buccaneers, meet reality. Reality, meet the Buccaneers.
25. Washington (1-2). Ah, good to see the ’Skins we knew and loved under Jim Zorn, losing road games to the dregs of gridiron humanity.
26. San Francisco (0-3). ’Niners are silently praying that they win before Mike Singletary tries that, ahem, motivational tactic again.
27. St. Louis (1-2). A healthy Steven Jackson is good for five or six wins. He keeps getting nicked, and the Rams can look forward to another top-three pick.
28. Detroit (0-3). Yeah, the Lions are awful. But they’re playing harder than the teams beneath them.
29. Jacksonville (1-2). How the Jags beat somebody, I can’t comprehend.
30. Carolina (0-3). If the answer is Matt Moore or Jimmy Clausen, it’s a dumb question.
31. Cleveland (0-3). How long before Mike Holmgren names himself interim coach?
32. Buffalo (0-3). C.J. Spiller showing everyone why he should have won the 2009 Heisman. Chan Gailey showing everyone why he wasn’t good enough to stick around in the ACC.
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