Reader tip
“There is a man who does his morning exercises in the parking lot in front of Staples on Lisbon Street. This morning he was there at 8 a.m. I’m not sure how often he is there but I’ve seen him several times when I stop for my coffee before work. He seems quite intense, with a rather complicated routine.”
It’s a good tip. However, after careful thought, I’ve decided not to approach the man to ask him about the routine. I am nothing if not respectful of ritual – of the Zen-like tranquility of repetition. The privacy of an exercise routine is sacred.
Plus, it’s 8 a.m. I mean, get real!
10/10/10
Squeals of delight! We do love our mathematical symmetry, don’t we? But just what to do to celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime occasion? Write a letter to Bo Derek? Listen to Pearl Jam’s best album? Go for a first down? Study the commandments? Break out the violin and play the ten sonatas of Beethoven? Play ten frames of ten pin? Visit the provinces of Canada? Decimate something? It all sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it? Why don’t you just go ahead and send me ten dollars and call it good.
Leaf peeping
Can we get a new term for this autumnal pastime? Put the word “peeping” anywhere and I get an image of a creepy guy hanging around the Porta-a-potties at the beach. And when you’re talking about buses filled with old folks from New Jersey, well . . . it just gets creepier.
Bedbugs!
Holy hell, it’s a plague of biblical proportions! Literally, like one of the 10 plagues of Egypt. Who knew? I suppose now James Cameron will have to produce a movie about us. Lord, I hope he doesn’t use Celine Dion for the soundtrack this time. Although it would be appropriate. She makes me itch.
The good people of Lisbon
After I complained about a pair of town leaders who don’t return my calls, I heard from three others, instead. Three people of character and a sense of responsibility, I might add. All’s well that ends well.
MonsterQuest
When the History Channel came up here to interview me for a feature on the Turner Beast, they should have left behind a secretary for me to use as needed. Because every time “MonsterQuest: Mutant Canines” is aired, I get floored with phone calls from people all over the country who know what the beast is, how it can be caught or how it tastes in a stew. A man called from Tennessee on Wednesday to claim that The Beast has been snatching clothes off his clothesline or something to that effect. So I need a secretary to keep track of these things. Yes, this is what I would use a secretary for if the History Channel provided one.
Tree-climbing male wanted
Whatever happened to the dude who secretly hung flags in the woods along the Veterans Bridge? The flags are still flying, but I’m out in those woods every day and I haven’t seen any sign of the mystery dude. Are you invisible? You’re invisible, aren’t you.
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