It began with Flava Flav.

As these things so often do.

When we heard the over-amped, clock-wearing rapper might be coming to Mixers bar in Sabattus, we started thinking about all of VH1’s other “celebrities.” Seventies’ heartthrob Leif Garrett. Original supermodel Janice Dickinson. Poison frontman Bret Michaels. And so many, many more.

We wonder when they’re going to come to L-A. When are they going to get the chance to sign autographs for (slightly drunk) fans and listen to thinly veiled innuendos from (slightly drunker) fans and get pawed at by (extremely drunk) fans? When? When?

Whenever that is, we’d like to welcome them with gifts that are generally appropriate. Um. OK, some of these are not. But they all come from the heart! Sincerely.

Even the ham.

For Janice Dickinson, VH1’s Celebrity Rehab

You also know her from the 1980s and “America’s Next Top Model”

* Sweet and Salty Sampler, 29.7 ounces, Hickory Farms (temporary shop in Auburn Mall), $18

Oh, Janice, so cranky all the time. A model-caliber calorie deficit can’t help. This sampler had nuts (apt) and chocolate-covered peanuts (which we hope are apt, too. She’s got to have a sweet side, right?).

* Sausage, cheese, crackers and mustard gift sets, Hickory Farms, up to $50

Unexpectedly, these exposed a Shopping Siren–Bag Lady rift. SS is pro-food gift set (ooh, pretty); BL is anti-food gift set (half of it never, ever gets eaten). Both reasons seem to demonstrate that this is the perfect gift for a supermodel.

For Real and Chance, VH1’s “Real and Chance: The Legend Hunters”

You also know them from “Real Chance of Love”

* Reese’s Pieces, 4 oz., Shaw’s, $1.29 (99 cents with card)

These two unlucky-in-lust goofballs moved from their reality dating show to a new gig seeking out rare or undocumented beasties — a la Hogzilla and Bigfoot. A basic yellow-and-orange candy trail would be about their speed. (Hey, Reese’s worked for the 10-year-old in “E.T.”)

* Cook’s ham steak, Shaw’s, $4.49/pound ($4.29/pound with card)

If they’d like to strap ham steaks all over their bodies and serve as bait for the giant squid or a flock of super crocs, we’d be OK with that. Also, this ham steak is reduced sodium. Better for the animals.

For Mario Lopez, VH1’s “Saved by the Baby”

You know him from “Saved by the Bell,” “Dancing with the Stars”

* Baby Basics size one diapers, 50-pack, Shaw’s, $7.99

It’s not clear what impact impending fatherhood will have on his abs, so it’s bated breath time. Also good for bated breath: clean kiddo drawers.

* Squirt feeding spoon, Shaw’s, $6.99

Insert three ounces of baby food into this spoon’s motherboard, squeeze at appropriate intervals and see said food slither out before airplaning toward baby’s mouth. That’s, um, not on the official package. But it probably should be.

For Bret Michaels, VH1’s “Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It”

You know him from Poison, “Rock of Love”

* Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock, Best Buy, $99.99

So, apparently this new show depicts Michaels chilling at home with his two daughters and the woman he didn’t care for enough to not partake in three VH1 lookin’ for love dating shows. Huh. Fill awkward silences with good Guitar Hero rifts. Included in the 90-plus rock songs: Poison’s “Unskinny Bop.”

* Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock band bundle, $179.99

For having the guys over, group chilling, laying the groundwork for the Poison comeback.

For Jay McCarroll, VH1’s “Celebrity Fit Club” season seven winner

You know him from “Project Runway” (season one winner)

* On-The-Go Blender, GNC, $19.99

For low-calorie smoothies or high-protein shakes on the go, helping Jay keep off those 40 pounds shed on Fit Club. It also appears to be good for double chocolate frappes. Not that we’re into sabotage. We’re just that into chocolate.

* Protocol all-in-one boxing set, GNC, $29.99

Gloves, jump rope, punching ball. Keep in shape and take out all that pent-up designer aggression. Boof, pow, *^$@(!%@ Fashion Week!

(Not) for Leif Garrett, VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab”

You know him from the 1970s.

* Justin Beiber poster, Rick’s Movies, Music and More (Auburn Mall), $5.99

Way to shove today’s teen idol in the face of yesterday’s. Sheesh, talk about kicking a guy when he’s down. Instead, any lipsticked-kiss applied to a brand-new bandanna will do, the more slurrily applied, the better.

* Prices as of 11/16

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who are starting to get creaky in this weather) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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