As if we could ignore Weinergate.

We’re only human. We’re also, perhaps, two of the last 10 people on Earth who have never taken risque self-portraits and sent them out into the ether to attract infamy and embarrassment. But we modestly digress.

It’s all tricky business, this Weinergate. New York Congressman Anthony Weiner found himself initially denying having sent an underwear shot of himself to a 21-year-old woman. Then he admitted he’d done just that. Multiple times. Oops.

More tricky business: Stealing Gov. Paul LePage’s “Open for business” highway sign. Given its prominence — we are talking about the sign now — it seems a rather brazen theft. (“Honey, leave the hazards on for a sec. And hand me a Phillips head screwdriver …”)

And speaking of hazards: The Lewiston Maineiacs, whose official team thongs we once wrote up in these hallowed pages, just announced they’re leaving Lewiston due to budget woes. A real shame.

Less of a shame: The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s abandonment of the food pyramid in favor of a healthy-eating guide that’s simpler, easier to understand and immediately recognizable. Namely, a plate (though we’d like to know where the chocolate section is on said dish. It seems to be missing … )

Only 10 days in and it’s already a newsy June. Natural that our inspirations this week were ripped from the headlines. We shop underwear, we shop signs, we shop discounted hockey merch.

Buckle up. We’re going there.

* “Horse Rules” countrified sign, The Tractor Store, $9.99

If the governor reconsiders replacing the missing “Open for business” sign, we’d like to propose alternatives. For example, this country-design sign titled “Horse Rules:” “1. Hang on tight. 2. Get back on. 3. Have carrots ready.” It’s nearly perfect for the state’s purposes, except maybe for step three.

* 3-inch reflective letters, Tractor Supply Co., 49 cents each

 When all else fails, make your own sign. Just have someone check your spelling before posting. Public has an L.

* Morgan Mills two-piece thermal cotton underwear, Chapter 11, $2.99

All-natural pure cotton, so it breathes. Two pieces, so it’s easy to put on. Underwear, so it covers parts that should be covered in polite company and not photographed/sent to 21-year-old co-eds. Let’s reiterate: Underwear, good. Private photos Tweeted over the Internet, bad. Especially if you are a congressman. And, for heaven’s sake, your last name is Weiner. If you’re still determined to send photos of your private parts to someone, we suggest the low-tech equivalent of a blurred screen:

* Duct tape, 60 yards, Chapter 11, $3.99

Tape strategically (across the photo). Sixty yards ought to be enough. Well, one hopes.

* Royal Norfolk dinner plates, Dollar Tree, $1

Choose from orange, green, yellow or plain white with a crackle finish and delicate beading along the edge. According to the Agriculture Department, the plate should be filled with a lot of veggies, a lot of grains, a good amount of fruit and protein, and a cup of dairy. (Can’t help but feel that cheese has been slighted, but again, we digress.) We prefer a lot of chocolate, a good amount of garlic knots and a side of Diet Cherry Pepsi. In moderation, of course. It may not be good for us, but we think a sunset-orange or dandelion-yellow plate would make it look good.

* Gingham Square paper plates, 14 count, Dollar Tree, $1

Square-shaped, red-and-white-checkered paper plates just begging to be taken on a picnic. Hey, watermelon’s healthy.

* Maineiacs team merch, Androscoggin Bank Colisee, various prices (but lots of discounts)

The head of merchandising told one of our sources that T-shirts, hoodies, jackets and caps are still available. The team store is open Tuesday and Thursday afternoons (except this week, when it’s open Friday). We didn’t get a chance to stop by. Sadly, it was confirmed, there are no more thongs.

Best find: “Love blooms where kindness is planted” countrified sign, The Tractor Store, $9.99

Aww. Lovely. Now who wouldn’t want to come to a state with that as a welcome?

Think twice: “Private Property” sign, Tractor Supply Co., 69 cents

This isn’t really the sign you want to see coming into Maine. In fact, it’s only slightly nicer than, “Get out and stay out!” Very slightly. While we might sometimes feel that way about some tourists (like those who jam up Route 302 on Friday afternoons when all Shopping Siren wants to do is to stop at her favorite Lakes Region ice cream stand), we really don’t want Maine to seem unfriendly, antagonistic or rude. So stick with “Welcome to Maine.” It’s short, it’s simple and it’s also not stolen, which is nice. Also, maybe the state needs to invest in some stronger screws.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who are also just begging to be taken on a picnic) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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