Bag Lady and Shopping Siren were stunned in December when Hugh Hefner proposed to Crystal Harris, a Playmate young enough to be his granddaughter. Especially after all those years of dragging his heels with Holly Madison, young enough to be his slightly older granddaughter.

But, hey, we reasoned after a short period of head-shaking, maybe these kids can make this May-December thing work. Maybe age doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s true love!

Turned out, not so much.

Last week we were shocked again — shocked — when the 25-year-old Crystal announced she was leaving Hef, 85, just days before their wedding. Ultimately, she would keep the $90,000 engagement ring and the Bentley. He would keep the dog. Love, apparently, doesn’t conquer all. Which doesn’t bode well for the recent marriage of 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison to aspiring country singer Courtney Alexis Stodden, age 16. (Shudder)

We wish the best to everyone involved. (Though in the case of the 16-year-old, that “best” is a quick annulment followed by finishing high school.) Both Hef and his former fiancee seem to be moving on. At least if Tweets are any indication. Tweets being the soap box of the 21st century.

So it is with Hef in mind that we went shopping this week for silk PJs, slippers and smoking jackets. You know, the classics. Though we couldn’t find any smoking jackets. The slipper selection got encroached upon by women’s flip-flops. And the only PJs we spotted contained a hardly-ready-for-primetime cotton/polyester blend.

Men, if you’re looking for dapper sleepwear, we don’t envy your struggle. If you’re looking for a hot teen or 20-something, just move along, mister.

* Covington PJ sets, various sizes, Sears, $26

Long sleeve, long leg. Versus the short sleeve, calf-length version, also available, but which should never, ever be worn by any man under any circumstances. Total dork alert.

* Celtics logo sleep pants and shorts by Sideline Apparel, various sizes, Kmart, $12.99 (pants) and $7.99 (shorts)

Also Red Sox and Bruins logo pants for $17.99 and shorts for $10.99. These aren’t exactly suave and debonair, but there’s something to be said for fun and fannish. We’re willing to bet even Hef roots for Boston teams. Doesn’t everyone?      

* Route 66 slippers, various sizes, Kmart, $14.99

In suede or corduroy, black, brown or … a slightly different shade of brown. That’s the problem with classic slippers — not a lot of color choice. Also, no bunnies.

* Stafford sailing pattern sleep pants, J.C. Penney, $14.99

Navy blue pants tastefully decorated with sailboats. For the guy who dreams of joining the yacht club. To be worn under:

* Covington waffle-texture robe, Sears, $36

In navy, light blue or white. You know, nice sea-faring colors.

* Stafford memory-foam slippers, J.C. Penney, $12.99

In a range of colors, from brown to light brown to, um, once again, dark brown. Looking to wed someone six decades your senior? Memory (foam) matters.

* Stafford handkerchiefs, set of three, J.C. Penney, $5.99

We imagine Jane Austen’s characters probably wore pocket squares in their bathrobes. Ah, a classier era. Pre-Twitter.

* Staheekum Classic Slippers, Lamey Wellehan, $69.95

This suede, bootie-style slipper isn’t suave by any definition of the word, but the sheepskin lining looked so incredibly soft on the Lamey Wellehan website that we had to mention it. Comfort is always classic.

Best find: Claiborne black lounge-wear pants, J.C. Penney, $14.99

Originally $35 (score!), these black pants are a super-soft cotton/spandex blend. Fit to poke out from any smoking jacket you can find. Um, provided you can find one.

Think twice: Joe Boxer banana-and-lips print boxers, large, Sears, $4.99

Not classic. Not fun. And we’re not fans. If you’re going for refined or charming, these aren’t going to get you there, nor is marrying a 25-year-old. Take note, Hef. Here’s hoping you haven’t lost Holly’s number.

***

R.I.P.ish

Apologies if we’ve been slow to notice, but a new educational toy store featured here last fall, Imagination Express in The Barn space in Auburn, seems to have relocated to Windham. With Christmas here sooner than we’d like — six months from tomorrow, if anyone’s counting — and a growing list of kiddos to buy for, we’re disappointed. Fashion Bug has also left the plaza beside the Auburn Mall, but the Lewiston Mall Bug remains open.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who want to go swimming already — isn’t that what summer’s about?) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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