He’s no ordinary fellow, but you knew that.

He’s a lover of noir, a skulker of alleys, a friend to fiends.

He is Mark LaFlamme, the Sun Journal’s hard-bitten crime reporter, and he has, no question, the most arresting desk at the newspaper.

We’ll start with the “Morgue” sign hung as welcome and the ring of faux-barbed wire taped to the ceiling, an overhead circle of doom. On the desk itself there’s a baby alien floating in green fluid, an evil-eyed vulture, many plastic rats, many more tiny, weathered skeletons, one creepy leprechaun and a plush chickadee.

Um. The last is an aberration. Surely that chickadee has some sort of checkered past.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren have had the pleasure of working with Mark, a Waterville-boy-made-good and former Journalist of the Year, for 10 years. He’s even guest-authored for Bliss. About time we got off our typically-not-evil-or-creepy duffs and shopped for him.

Not every day a girl can buy a fog machine and mean it.

* PSP Go, Best Buy, $199.99

Adorable little personal gaming device that’s just slightly larger than a cell phone. It plays only games downloaded from the Internet, which means no sack full of cartridges or discs to lug around. Mark can tuck the PSP Go, games and all, in his jacket pocket while he tools around the city on his motorcycle, chasing police, criminals, and the perfect cup of joe. We picture him playing Gran Turismo during lulls. We don’t know why.

Pair with:

* Ear Pollution Ozone ear bud, Best Buy, $19.99

So the TV reporter next to him on a stakeout won’t hear him playing Gran Turismo, thus maintaining that hard-bitten rep. In distinguished black, pert green or pert-ier pink/purple. We’re pretty sure these will work for the PSP Go, but even if they don’t, the green would match Mark’s floating alien baby perfectly.

* Noir cologne for men, 3.4 oz, Bath & Body Works, $29.50

For splashing on before big interviews, this also nicely ties into our dark Mark theme. Also, it’s buy three, get two free. That’s a lot of good-smelling interviews.

* Living Dead Doll Luchador Muerto, Spencer’s Gifts, $18.74

A tiny cape, a mask, a spider on his chest — it’s like this little guy was made to hang with the creepy leprechaun.

* Chucky doll, Spencer’s Gifts, price uncertain

We don’t know how much this gruesome, knife-wielding doll costs, but the Bride of Chucky was $39.99, so we’re guessing it’s somewhere around there. We think if Mark is ever going to own a toddler-sized doll, it’ll be one that comes with his own knife. 

* Zombies! wallet, Spencer’s Gifts, $14.99

Based on the art of IDW’s comic of the same name, it also contains a warning label: “For ages 14 and older.” We’ve never seen a warning label on a wallet before. Mark would approve.

* Zombie magnets, Spencer’s Gifts, $2.99

Giant magnets on various zombie themes, including the good-to-know “Warning: Zombies ahead.” There are also a couple of ribbon-shaped “Support zombies” magnets that can be slapped on a car (or, in Mark’s case, motorcycle). Your choice — with or without brains. The magnets, not Mark. He’s all brains and grit.

* Dark Tower VII unabridged audio book, Percy’s Burrow, $5

Stephen King’s “Dark Tower VII” in 18 cassettes. (Remember cassettes? They’re those things we had before CDs. Um. Remember CDs?) Someday, ask Mark to tell you his I-met-Stephen-King story. Preview: He was 18, drunk and found by Mr. King on the author’s front lawn. How Mark got an autograph out of that, we have no idea.*

*However, see aforementioned grit.

* Beanie Ballz Collection panda, Percy’s Burrow, $4.99

His name: Bonsai. His date of birth: March 5. And his mission: Befriend that fluffy chickadee! Assuming the roly-poly panda won’t be scared off by a lurking rubber vulture. 

Best find: Spirit metal low-lying fogger, $59.99

The one thing Mark’s spooky desk is lacking — fog. “Just add ice,” the package says. We can do that, and for cheap.

Think twice: Wallflowers scents and flower-shaped plug-ins, Bath & Body Works, $3 each

Want to make a room smell nice? These pretty, flower-shaped plug-ins can be filled with any number of Wallflowers scents, including sweet pea and sparkling mojito. The plug-ins themselves are adorable and come in a rainbow of colors. The scent-filled cartridges are decorated in tiny butterflies and wee pink flowers, adding an extra touch of sweet. We guarantee you will look at these and say, “Aw!” Unless you are Mark, in which case you will back away slowly, edge out the door and dash for your bike. Or your desk. It’s a crazy world out there.  

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who desperately want to play fetch with the baseballs Mark also stores on his desk) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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