So, today I was going to write the big one. The column so profound and eloquent, the Pulitzer people wouldn’t even bother voting. The column so witty and full of wonders, spacemen would return to Earth just to get a copy. The column so sagacious, pregnant ladies would read the piece over and over to their unborn children, hoping to instill even a fraction of the author’s wisdom.

Monkeys would learn to read. Dogs would evolve thumbs just so they could shake my hand. I tell you, the column was going to be that good.

But I’ve decided to go in another direction. I’ve decided to elicit ideas for this column — not because I have no ideas of my own. Ha ha ha! What an absurd notion! — from my readers. To let you people decide what you’ll read in this space for once. The Pulitzer, dog-thumb piece has waited this long, after all. It can surely wait another week.

And so, here we go, weaving a column with a hundred voices, like a bar full of people all singing the same song. Very drunk people, yes. Very drunk people who may have suffered head injuries earlier in the day. But a hundred people just the same, all lending their thoughts to the greater . . .

But I’d better shut up and get going, lest I write something prize-worthy purely by accident.

Idea No. 1: “The people of Walmart.” An excellent idea, Marlene. The pajama-wearing, tattoo-displaying, way-more-than-10-items-in-the-express-line people of Walmart are always excellent fodder. Like shooting fish in a giant discount superstore. And that’s exactly the problem. I’ve gone to that well too many times before. There was the time I wrote about the pajama trend wherein a person could go to Walmart dressed in panties and bra, even if he happens to be a fully bearded, and draw few stares.

There was the time I wrote about accidentally (you can’t prove otherwise) walking into the ladies room and the hilarity and beatings about the head that followed. There was the time I wrote about how I always swear off Walmart and then find myself there anyway because I need tuna fish and a nostril hair trimmer at 3 in the morning.

So, I can’t write about Walmart anymore, Marilyn. If you’re that desperate for that brand of entertainment, go to peopleofwalmart.com. Or just take your pants off, park directly in front of your neighbor’s door, walk inside talking on your cellphone and turn on Jerry Springer.

Idea No. 2: “Skiing on grass.” I have no idea what this means. Seek help.

Idea No. 3: “How the Valentine’s Day candy came out literally the day after Christmas.” Another terrific thought, Lola. In fact, it’s so good, I plan to write about that in February and claim the idea was my own. You may feel used and cheated by this. If so, send me a heart-shaped candy with a profane message on it. Just know that it won’t be the first I’ve received.

Idea No. 4: “Why all the music produced after we’re 25 years old sucks.” A year ago, I would have agreed with you, Raoul. But in recent months, I’ve downloaded music from the likes of Rihanna, Britney, Kesha, Katy, Gaga, Kelly Clarkson, Cee Lo, Dr. Dre, Adele, Usher, Shakira and Taylor Swift. I’ve also started shaving my legs, but that’s none of your business.

Idea No. 5: “How your Facebook page is the most happening in the Dirty Lew, Dirty Aub.” Oh, go on, Loretta. You’re just saying that. You’re just saying that on my page at facebook.com/marklaflamme1.

Idea No. 6: “Flatulence.” Thank you, Don. But that would be inappropriate in a family newspaper. What are we, 10? (See the above Facebook page for all of your gross, bodily function needs.)

Idea No. 7: “Lingerie.” You bet, Molly. Show me yours, I’ll show you mine.

Idea No. 8: “Lingerie for men.” You really are a buzz kill, Ricardo.

Idea No. 9: “How to pronounce pet-peeve words such as ‘chipotle’ or ‘rural.'” I can understand, Jenny, how you might have problems pronouncing ‘chipotle.’ (To say it correctly, by the way, you have to spit on at least three people.) But if you’re having trouble pronouncing ‘rural,’ you probably have bigger problems, such as an addiction to huffing nail polish.

Idea No. 10: “Prostitutes and hamburglars.” You’re right, Kelly-with-an-I. I had a wicked funny thought here which involved a particular ingredient from the Big Mac. Bet if you think about it, you’ll come up with it on your own.

Idea No. 11: “The 40th Annual Lions Tournament.” Chances are good that I’ll end up writing five stories on the tournament as it is, so I don’t think I want to indulge here. Pay attention, Bluto. This space is for really important stuff. I mean, haven’t you been reading along?

Idea No. 12: “Voting in New Hampshire.” This person is obviously on the nail polish, as well.

Idea No. 13: “A return to the Lost Sole.” For those who weren’t around then, The Lost Sole was the unofficial name of my Sun Journal-hosted blog. We had an amazing three months and then we got kicked off because some weenie claimed he was being picked on. It’s too bad, too, because we were doing groundbreaking work over there at The Lost Sole. And by “groundbreaking” I mean “more flatulence humor.”

Idea No. 14: “The change from AACR2 to RDA.” Seriously, when are the drug people going to do something to combat this problem with nail polish? You can hear the brain cells dying all up in here.

Idea No. 15: “Zoppitybop-Bop-Bop arrested near Wisconsin capital.” Are you kidding? Someone with a sound-effect name was arrested in … was arrested in … OK, if you know the capital of Wisconsin, you’re too smart to be reading this column. Go out and cure something, Brainiac.

Idea No. 15: “A follow-up to the reverend peeing on fire hydrants.” This is a reference to a comment made by Brother Doug Taylor in a letter to the editor. For the life of me, I can’t remember why Brother Doug was talking about peeing on a fire hydrant. Lifting a leg for God? Casting out a kidney stone? No idea. Brother Doug works in mysterious ways.

Idea No. 16: “Previews of next week’s column.” I think we covered that, Reynaldo. Monkey-thumbs, pregnant Pulitzer, a one-eyed goat learning to break dance? Any of this ringing a bell?

And there you have it, a truly collaborative effort. It may not be a world-changing piece of literature like “Common Sense” or “A Shore Thing,” by Snooki, but it’s not bad. I satisfied the word count for another week and put a little more food on the table. Why, this one turned out so well, you think I ought to pay my contributors a little something for doing their parts?

Ha ha ha! What an absurd notion!

Mark LaFlamme is a Sun Journal staff writer. For more flatulence, write to him at mlaflamme@sunjournal.com.

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