We don’t mean to toot are own horns here. Well, mostly because we’re incapable.

Bag Lady’s musical prowess can best be summed up with the ill-fated Month of the Clarinet during grade school (though BL loves “This is Spinal Tap,” if vicarious rock cred can be found in that.)

Shopping Siren is much more gifted, but her talents lie with the string set. More piano, less steel guitar. (And she has never seen “Spinal Tap,” something BL must rectify immediately.)

So it is with these respective backgrounds that we entered Musician’s Hub, Lewiston-Auburn’s new music store, in the Center Street strip mall by Axis Natural Foods. Suffice it to say the many, many, many guitars are pretty. (Um. With the exception of one or two bright yellow ones. Which wow, but not in a good way. Unless that’s your thing.) The store has a mix of new and used, and lots of practical accessories — cords, stands, cymbal cleaner and song books.

It also had a small display of local musicians’ CDs, including a person/group called ColonBlow (really.) A shoutout on Musician Hub’s website informs local talent that the store will stock their CDs, too. There’s also a note telling musicians to inquire in-store about the after-hours emergency number. For instrument emergencies. Should your drummer spontaneously combust, you’re on your own, pal. (“Spinal Tap” reference!)

* PV complete microphone set, $49.99

FOR BEING HEARD. Without having to yell. Well, OK, yelling optional.

* Beginning Banjo DVD, $14.99

Banjos feel both very then and yet very now; something you would have spotted on a porch in 1820 and at Mumford and Sons’ show in August. Also, Steve Martin plays the banjo. That concludes Bag Lady’s banjo knowledge.

* Instrument microphone, $129.99

For those talented musicians who can play with style and energy. Also for those who can hit the right notes. The rest of us will be over here softly playing C-sharp when we mean E-flat.

* Tama red drum set, $749.99

Drive your parents wild, then drive the crowd wild.*

(* Tommy Lee’s studded leather banana sling optional)

Pair with:

* Pro Mark oak drum sticks; pair, $10.95

Not for hitting/poking younger siblings. Though the temptation is so great, no ordinary 10-year-old could overcome it. Supervise accordingly.

* 1st Note castanet, $2.99

You read the word “castanet” and your hips started to sway, didn’t they? That’s what happens.

* 1st Note wrist bells, $4.99

Jingle, jingle, jingle all the way home. Or to work. Or while grocery shopping. For making very merry music wherever you are (no talent required).

* Hohner Old Standby harmonica, $17.99

We’re sure there’s a way to get music out of a harmonica without, ultimately, hyperventilating. But if you do, drop gracefully.

Pair with:

* Hohner harmonica holder, $24.95

Slips over your head and balances on your shoulders for hands-free harmonica playing. You know, so you can play the harmonica and the guitar. The harmonica and the piano. The harmonica and Tetris.

Best find: “Know Before You Blow” lesson books, $14.95

They had us at the title. Separate guides for the sax, flute, trombone and other wind instruments. Learn to take it to 11 like a pro! (“Spinal Tap” reference two.)

SS: What?

BL: Sigh.

Think twice: Rainbow guitar strap, $7.95

Looks just like Mork’s suspenders on 1970s hit TV show “Mork & Mindy.” Which is not really the image you want in people’s heads when you walk on stage for acoustic night at the coffeehouse. We suggest going with plain red or gray ($7.95) or switching things up with a Vincent Van Gogh Starry Night strap for about $23.

In short, Mork. Ork. Dork.*

(*Exceptions made for Raffi and Richard Simmons, should he ever go rock god.)

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who correctly say the piano is a string and percussion hybrid) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com or shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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