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I received, in the mail, a nice letter from a man wondering about the price of our weekly TV Preview guide:
“I am sorry to bother you over this particular matter,” he wrote, “but I was wondering if you can tell me if the price of the Preview Guide went up and if so, can you please tell me how much? I need to know as quickly as possible, okay? I do enjoy getting the Preview Guide.”
Very polite and to the point, unlike most of the raging screeds I get in the mail. Plus he said nice things about my columns, so you know he’s a gentleman of exceedingly good taste. The fellow signed his letter. I recognized the name at once — he’s a convicted killer, serving time for beating a Lewiston man to death in 1997. Let this serve as a reminder to you aspiring hooligans: Don’t do the crime if you want to know what’s on TV this week.
Voter fraud?
A funny thing at the polling place — a handful of candidates who were shaking hands with the public recognized me and yelled, “Hey, Mark LaFlamme, I love all your columns. Read you all the time.”
That’s politics for ya. They’ll lie to your face right up until the very end.
‘The Wiz’
I went to see this performance over the weekend, and I’m pleased to announce that it wasn’t what I had expected. I thought it was going to be a story about people peeing outside. But no — it’s a modernized and somewhat twisted version of “The Wizard of Oz,” because, you know, the original “Wizard of Oz” just isn’t trippy enough with its flying bats, combative apple trees and rolling fields of opiates. To my eye, “The Wiz” as performed at Community Little Theatre was a show absolutely stolen by the conniving, wise-cracking Gatekeeper. Turns out, the role was played by Jacquelyn Mansfield, the same actress who blew me away as the Evil Stepsister in “Cinderella.” Either I have a keen eye for talent, I figure, or I just like surly women.
I don’t like those odds
Nate Silver predicts there is only a 24 percent chance you will make it all the way through this column. Don’t know who Nate Silver is? He predicted that, too.
Hammered
Good news! A hawk-eyed Auburn woman reports that the Gelato Fiasco is now offering an Allen’s-Coffee-Brandy-flavored confection. If the trend holds true, people who eat this stuff will end up drunk in downtown Lewiston and fighting shirtless in somebody’s front yard. Let the good times roll.
Daylight ravings time
It’s dark by 4:30 p.m. and it’s miserable. The only good thing I can say about the early darkness is that it’s easier to pee outside. Other than that, I just hate it.
Yoink
There was some confusion Thursday about a heist at the Hilton Garden in Auburn. It came across the airwaves as a robbery, although we later learned that the culprit simply lifted some cash from a hotel register. In order for the crime of robbery to actually be committed, force, or threat of force, is required. When someone steals something from under your nose, it’s called a “yoink.” You could look it up for yourself in the Maine statutes. But don’t.
