Mother’s Day
Have a happy one, you mothers. Without you, we’d never wash behind our ears. We’d be wearing filthy underwear and you never know when we might be in an accident. Without mothers, we’d pet strange dogs, not knowing where they had been, and we’d talk to strangers. We’d go swimming directly after lunch and we’d never eat food that sticks to our ribs. We’d have to wet our own fingers and wipe grime off our faces. We’d never say please or thank you or send out thank-you cards when appropriate. We’d be grubby, rude and reckless children with filthy underwear and, frankly, I’d don’t believe we’d make it through a single day.
Radiohead
Whenever there’s a fire, crash or other mayhem in downtown Lewiston, you see a lot of guys out there with hand-held radios pressed to their mouths. These guys love it when things get wild because it affords them the opportunity to say things like “10-4” and “breaker breaker” and “Roger that, Red Fox.” More power to them, I say. Nothing wrong with additional ears and eyes on the streets. At last Friday’s fire scene, I saw one of these guys yakking into his radio in a very animated way. He nodded, listened, spoke. Listened, nodded, waved his arms with great drama. Curious, I asked him what he was hearing about the latest fire to rip through the downtown. At which point he gave me a look like a dog caught pooing on the carpet. “Nothing,” he said. “My batteries are dead.”
Where there’s smoke
On Tuesday, another fire call went out in Lewiston. Local fire crews began to roll and firefighters in other towns started suiting up. You could kind of sense fire investigator Paul Ouellette dragging out his magnifying glass and police Chief Michael Bussiere preparing to call another press conference. But don’t stop the presses just yet, gentlemen. This one turned out to be some fool who burned his lunch. With all of Lewiston as twitchy as Mexican jumping beans, it’s a really bad time to torch your mac and cheese.
Running of the bulls
In Lewiston’s Kennedy Park, some fool put up a tent with the words “Free Phones” in big, bright letters. It’s unclear how many people were killed in the stampede.
Long arm of the mom
Also, if it weren’t for mothers, millions of children would have flown through windshields because there would be no one to do that outstretched arm thing, even at 5 mph stops. Seriously, where do they learn to do that?
4-year-old brings gun to school
There’s a lad who can use some serious momming. I’ll bet he gets the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech.
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