Do you guys remember summer?
Since it’s the middle of August and it barely reaches 70 degrees most days, I guess it’s time to turn our attention to autumnal things, like apples and pumpkins and dead things found in the woods. Got your snow tires yet? Any luck with that moose permit? What will you go as for Halloween this year? Me, I plan to go as you for the fifth straight season. This is why you keep catching me rooting around in your underwear drawer. Yes, this is the reason.
And Christmas
Don’t you forget Christmas, friend. Pretty soon we’ll all be out in the stores, elbowing each other in the face while searching for that perfect gift for that special someone. Hint: You’ll eventually lose your will to live and settle for yet another Chia Pet. Hint II: An estimated 1 trillion people get Chia Pets for Christmas and not a single one of them ever tries to grow the goofy thing.
Storm stud
And winter storms. Pretty soon, we’ll be getting three-inch dustings and the news people (those weasels) will be going absolutely insane with it. There will be giant headlines in the paper, helpful info boxes with tips advising you how to avoid dying in two inches of snow and round-the-clock coverage on TV. Any day now, all you will hear about is the weather no matter where you are or what you happen to be doing. Getting ready to take Tinkerbelle, your Doberman, out for his nightly tree attack and dumperoo in Kennedy Park? Be sure to grumble about how cold it is before getting down to business. If you need a little help with all that, I’m sure the paper will have a helpful info box chock full of tips.
Giant squash from hell
Any day now, we’ll have news that some guy in East Overshoe has grown a gourd of some kind that is sure to be a record breaker. Not only is it bigger than a Prius, but it also looks a bit like Abraham Lincoln. Kind of. If you look at it through one eye while standing on your head. Ah, screw it, man, let’s eat this thing.
I put the lie in library. Or something.
I was standing in the doorway of the Lewiston Public Library Wednesday afternoon when some nice young lady approached and asked me where she could find the Lewiston Public Library. It was a rather absurd question, yes, but even more inane was the fact that I had to think about it before providing an answer. I are smart.
Bo Socked
In their final series of the season, the Kansas City Royals took three out of four from the Red Sox. I’m not saying this to taunt you – I already took your money, pizza and tears – I’m just putting it down for the record because come late November, I’ll have a hard time believing it happened. Important note: It did.
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