The Internet: 10 percent information, 10 percent shopping.
Eighty percent cat videos.
We’re pretty certain that’s the precise breakdown. Someone’s probably done a study to confirm this, but we’re too busy watching Maru, Keyboard Cat and Grumpy Cat right now to find it. So you’ll just have to trust us.
(Or try Googling “cat videos,” which comes back with 797 million results. “Open heart surgery videos” returns a paltry 48.8 million results. So. Cats rule.)
After exhaustive research on the subject — it’s tough, this job — we came to the conclusion that good cat videos fall into three categories (er, cat-egories, if you will): funny, cute and astonishing. The great ones embody all three.
The really great ones make kitty a superstar, though it helps if said kitty is willing to sit still on the ‘Today Show‘ and shake paws during the 2013 Internet Cat Video Festival.
Think your Mr. Whiskers’ talent for squeezing into a too-small box while annoying the dog and caterwauling “Ol’ MacDonald” is star-worthy? You may be right. Especially if there’s also a musical instrument involved.
The search for purrfection continues. Purina this week handed out its own cat video awards, aptly named “The Friskies.” Nine Lives — of Morris the Cat fame — is holding its own cat video contest (deadline is noon today!) And there’s always YouTube, the original star-maker.
You supply the cat; we’ve got the rest.
* Nickle Bag catnip, The Pussums Cat Company, $5 (plus shipping)
Two and a half cups of pure catnip — from a company right here in Turner! Nothing is funnier than a cat on catnip. But please use responsibly. It’s all fun and games until Mittens starts hanging out on the corner hustling nip.
* PetCo laser toy, Petco, $3.99
Basic math: cat plus little red dot equals hilarity. Kung fu sound effects optional.
* Thundershirt, Petco, $39.99
Vest wraps around your cat and uses constant pressure to help relieve anxiety. It’s usually used to calm pets during thunderstorms and such, but we figure it’ll also work for the anxiety you cause Tigger with your following and filming. It’s either this or get him his own private trailer.
* FroliCat rotating cat teaser, Petco, $39.99
Battery-operated mouse runs around a circular track. It’s a cat video just waiting to happen.
* Targus 50-inch tripod, Radio Shack, $19.99
Set up video camera, aim at cat, stand back. Done.
* Concert-size ukulele, Best Buy, $89.99
Because cat playing the keyboard is so 2007. Want your vid to go viral? The uke is where it’s at. Just mew it.
* Grooming, various prices
In a quick Internet search (ah! information!), we found Chappie’s Pampered Pets Grooming Salon in Auburn and Four Paws Pet Grooming in Lewiston among the local folks offering cat grooming services. Get Smokey stylin’ for his big shot.
* Dynex lens-cleaning kit, Best Buy, $11.99
Cloth, hand-blower, brush — for cleaning the cat out of your camera after the fact.
* Contour Roam2 waterproof video camera, $79.99 (Regularly $199.99. Score!)
For filming Sylvester taking a swim in the pool. Willingly. Let us repeat that: For filming Sylvester taking a swim willingly.
* Samsung W300 HD Flash Memory Camcorder, Best Buy, $79.99
Light, compact, fits in your pocket. Perfect for stalking Fluffy stalking the dog.
Best find: Petco Star Wars cat line, Petco, $4.99
Once every great while, a product comes along that’s so perfect it has us squeeing in the aisles.
That time is now.
We’re talking headband Princess Leia buns and Yoda ears; toy mice two-packs with mice dressed like Chewbacca and Yoda or a Stormtrooper and Darth Vader; a cat tie and shirt collar, or a bow tie and shirt collar, Republic- and Rebel-print … and that’s just scratching the surface!
Whoever dressed a toy mouse up like Chewbacca deserves an honorary Friskie. Stat.
Think twice: Petco Bootique costumes, Petco, $9.99-$14.99
To be clear, we’re not anti-cat costumes. We are anti-being clawed to pieces or suggesting you be torn asunder; we’re decent folks like that.
But it also almost feels like cheating to dress your feline friend like a piece of sushi, a mermaid with a spangly bra or Cleopatra (Cleocatra?) and then turn on the camera.
A good cat video ought to be more organic, more natural. You know, like when you happen to catch Buttons playing the ukulele.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who demand their own film festival) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.
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