I believe the inimitable Mark Twain stated it best when he said: “Begin your column with a quote from a famous person and distract your readers from the fact that you’re totally going to the Facebook well again.”

He was stroking his mustache and puffing a cigar as he uttered those words of wisdom.

OK, Mark Twain never said that. Twain, as most of us know, had nothing but disdain for Facebook and he downright hated Twitter. It’s true, however, that I’m back to shaking my dented tin cup on social media and scrounging for column ideas without any shred of dignity. My shame is great and that shame will stick with me for nearly 10 minutes as I regale you all with somebody else’s ideas in order to fill column space.

And we’re off.

Bonnie says: “Why not an entire article on breakfast meats?” It’s a terrific idea and one that completely overlooks the fact that I wrote about a mile of copy a few months ago on this very topic. Thanks for noticing, Bonnie. Our B-Section piece on bacon was so popular, there were widespread reports of people actually eating the newspaper pages. Which is just awesome.

Andrew, who performs complex tightrope acts to entertain the astronauts on the International Space Station on weekends when he’s not using a unicycle to re-create the stunts of Evel Knievel writes: “You can write about me. I’m interesting.” Only I don’t find him interesting at all so we’re moving on.

A fellow named Rick posted an illustration of different column styles through history, a exhibition of wit so highbrow, absolutely no one got it. Including me. What the hell is that supposed to mean, Rick? Quit drinking.

A lass who calls herself Stray Cat offered: “What about the idea how society, as humanity should have free clinics, free housing and and free food instead of money dumping our growth beyond the solitude and peace we could find without it. Life would be less worries and more communication achievements/rewards. More hippie communities or something along those lines.”

Which completely overlooks the fact that I wrote about the idea that society should have free clinics, free housing and free food instead of money dumping our growth beyond the solitude and peace we could find without it not two weeks ago. It was a piece so popular, there were widespread reports of people actually eating the newspaper pages. Again. I’m starting to think a sizable portion of our readers are seriously deranged.

Lori suggested: “How about a story about the frustrating process of being single and dating fiascoes involving wonderful women who can’t seem to find their Prince Charming?” Which Lori suggests every time I go begging for column ideas. Seriously, fellas. Will one of you take Lori dancing? Maybe a nice dinner and a long walk on a beach somewhere? Send us the bill. (Just kidding, ha-ha! We’re totally not paying for that action.)

Local thespian Dan Marois sent several ideas, every single one of them pure quality and not nearly inane enough to be included here. Try applying yourself a little more, Dan. You’ll get the hang of it.

Thespian is kind of a fun word, so I guess that wasn’t an utter waste of time. Heh. Thespian.

Another Dan wrote: “Noisy crows roosting in the trees early mornings. Loud. Annoying.” Is that supposed to be a haiku, Other Dan? Because that really blows.

Al, the best baseball pitcher to come out of Waterville, Maine, and whose fast ball actually killed an umpire that one time I’m probably making up, suggested: “How about if deer were armed and trained?” It’s a fun concept, Al, but I have the feeling that if I were to write about the foibles of hunting, you’d find me strapped to some old Buick out on the back roads of Greene. And I don’t want to go through that again.

At this point in the query thread, Andrew, the astronaut/tightrope walker, began flirting with Lori in an only-slightly-creepy way, so you see? We do good things around here.

Tony weighed in with: “The L/A live music scene. Or more specifically the L/A open mic scene.” Now, Tony, that inches dangerously close to legitimate story idea and I think we’ve established that’s not what we’re looking for around here. I’ll pass it on to the editors, but consider yourself on probation at this point.

Rusty writes: “You should write a column about your exploits on the set of Gotham. I think you portrayed Detective James Gordon perfectly.” Shortly after passing this idea along, Rusty was carted off to some safe place where he can get the help he needs. I don’t portray Detective James Gordon, you big silly. And if I did, I totally couldn’t tell you.

Chris offers: “Why do zippers zip down instead of up?” In a happy irony, Chris was placed in a bed next to Rusty’s. I hope they become lifelong friends.

Thomas streaks out of nowhere to suggest: “Well for your Sunday Street Talk, how about the canals that they want to beautify with walking trails; surfing and tubing … I’m sure you can come up with something funny on that!”

By Job, he’s right! The canals! Oh, this is going to be hilarious, probably the funniest column I’ve ever penned for the newspap … Hey, wait a minute. Street Talk doesn’t run on Sundays. That’s Talk of the Town. Wrong. So wrong. Now I’m just too upset to write that piece.

Bill, who serves as my Facebook attorney when required, suggested: “Do a story about how much earlier the Christmas decorations seem to go up each year. I know it’s been done but it’s a tried and true classic.” Which completely overlooks the fact that I covered that topic just three days ago and that I have a query out on the matter as we speak. Thanks, Bill. You’re fired.

Throughout the day, I received dozens of fine ideas for my column, each idea a little less lucid than the one before it. I’d like to continue listing them here, but Lori and Andrew really hit it off and now I have to go to a damn wedding.

P.S. Thespian!

Mark LaFlamme is a Sun Journal staff writer. Thespians can answer his query at mlaflamme@sunjournal.com.

Copy the Story Link