DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I came out as male-to-female transgender. My wife has come around since then, and our second child will be born before I start my transition.
She has decided to stay with me, but occasionally she tells me she isn’t sure if she can be married to a woman. On the other hand, she says she doesn’t want to have to share custody of our children.
I have urged her to talk to a therapist, because she gets a few free sessions from her job. Because she doesn’t like people knowing about her problems, she steadfastly refuses. I’m not sure what else to do. I won’t make her stay if she can’t handle it, but I refuse to tell her I’ll give her full custody. — LIVING MY TRUTH IN THE EAST
DEAR LIVING: If your wife prefers, out of concern for her privacy, not to talk to a therapist who’s connected with her job, that is her choice. But that does not mean she shouldn’t get counseling elsewhere to help her make rational decisions about her future. A support group that could also be helpful to her is the Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org), which has been mentioned before in my column.
As for you, my friend, you should consult a lawyer who specializes in family law and gender issues. Lambda Legal (lambdalegal.org) should be able to refer you. With help, you should be able to work out a fair and reasonable custody arrangement, should it become necessary.
DEAR ABBY: I’m attending a close friend’s bachelorette party and have confirmed that having it in an adult club is “a priority” for her. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of entering such an establishment because it goes against my personal beliefs. We are all staying with friends, so I can’t just head back to my hotel room or go home. How can I excuse myself from this part of the event without causing too much trouble for anyone? — READY NOT TO PARTY
DEAR READY NOT TO PARTY: Because all of the bachelorettes will be out of town and you prefer not to attend the “main event,” level with the bride about your feelings, give her your regrets, wish her well and stay home.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 73-year-old man. Over the years I have sometimes cried over sad, heartwarming stories in books or on TV, especially those involving children.
I have also lost several loved ones, and although I was as sad about these losses as anyone else, I was never able to shed tears over it.
Why do I cry over things that don’t pertain to me or anybody in my life, but can’t when someone I love passes away? Is something wrong with me? — TEARLESS IN WICHITA
DEAR TEARLESS: Tears can be cathartic, but people react to death in different ways. Not everyone can cry on cue, even if it would be a relief to be able to. Sometimes there’s just a deep “ache,” like lead in one’s chest. In your case, it may be less painful or threatening to cry over a sad movie than a funeral. When tears finally come (usually over something less significant), they can be more copious than one would expect because they have been bottled up.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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