By Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post
Below are some of the exchanges from the relationships advice column, Baggage Check, published weekly in The Washington Post’s Express.
Q: My sister gets clingy and needy when she is depressed, but when she snaps out of it she drops me and couldn’t care less about how I’m doing. I cancel plans so I can hang out with her, but as soon as she gets over whatever she’s going through, she doesn’t make time for me. I have tried talking to her about it, but she doesn’t get it, or doesn’t seem to care.
A: This is frustrating, I’m sure. But you have to adjust your expectations and prioritize what you’re really looking for in the relationship. If you accepted her as someone devoid of a reliable “being there” bone in her body, would you still be willing to support her when she needed it? Can you cultivate friendships that give you the emotional nourishment you need, and acknowledge it might never come from your sister?
The key question is how bothered you are by this imbalance. Millions of folks who love their families still need to look elsewhere and choose the people who best meet their needs. In short, can you take the high road and be the sister she won’t? If not, withdraw your support in a gradual and respectful way.
Q: My husband comes from a religious family and keeps up with the cultural traditions of his religion. We are talking about starting a family and he wants to raise the children within this religious tradition. The problem is he does not really believe in these things (nor do I) and yet is going to indoctrinate his kids to do so. He says it’s important in terms of family, community, etc., but I think it’s hypocrisy.
A: You need to have deeper discussions about what “within this religious tradition” means. Is it the family, community and culture elements? Or is it the imparting of a specific faith in God or creation or flying spaghetti monsters that he would be lying through his teeth if he espoused? There is room for a middle ground, if you can understand what parts mean the most to him and what messages he wants to send to your child.
And as much as many decry the “watering down” of religious elements into more secular traditions, this might be just what your family needs: a foundation of the history and good works that the religion provides, without the doctrine. It’s sure as heck better than worshipping Thanksgiving sales.
Q. My wife is angry that I threw a surprise party for a major promotion she got at work. All I did was invite five couples to celebrate at a restaurant with us. It is true she does not generally like surprises, but I thought it was a nice gesture. She says it was inconsiderate, though she seemed to have fun. I’m angry about her being angry for what were good intentions.
A. The solution involves the delicate art of validating her right to be upset while maintaining you never meant to upset her. Done wrong, it makes the person feel on trial for having feelings they have a right to have. Done right, it acknowledges both of your viewpoints and allows you to connect, learn and move forward.
So it’s not about a blanket, autopilot “Sorry,” but neither is it about denying her the right to be unsettled given that surprises tend to unsettle her. Pick an opener that gives a little yet is truthful. “I would have never done it if I thought you wouldn’t like it. I’m hurt, because I was excited to make you happy. But I didn’t, and I am sorry I upset you.” Full stop — and listen to see where she takes it.
Q. My mother is severely obese with multiple health problems. She and my father split up several years ago and now she lives alone since I have moved out. She is killing herself, frankly. She is sedentary and eats nothing but junk food. I see her every weekend but honestly I hate going because it is too sad.
A. I am sorry. There’s a middle ground somewhere here that involves accepting the limitations of what you can do, taking the small steps you can and not making things worse. If you were to diminish your visits, her isolation and amotivation would only increase.
Part of what you have to accept is that, ultimately, her body is hers to treat the way she wants, even when it hurts others. But feeling helpless is part of what makes this so devastating — so try your hand at helping when you can. Offer to connect her to a therapist. Invite her on a short walk. Stock her kitchen with any fruit you’ve ever seen her eat. Encourage friendships, hobbies or online support. If you persist with small interventions, your hands won’t feel completely tied behind your back.
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of “The Friendship Fix.” For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
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