By Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post
Q: A good friend of mine is a major flake. I love her dearly, but I no longer can afford the luxury of letting her cancel plans on me, which she does more than half the time. I have started only making plans with her in groups so that she cannot strand me somewhere by myself. She does not get this and keeps saying we need to have catch-up time. Can I be honest and tell her it is not worth it to make plans with her one-on-one?
A: She is a good friend; not only can you be honest with her, but you really need to. Who knows how many other people in her life she has already alienated by her high-octane flakiness? She’s in desperate need of a wake-up call. Tell her that it is has gotten to the point where she’s just as likely to bow out of plans as to keep them, and it’s a real deterrent for you. To soften it a bit, tell her how much you miss actually getting to hang out with her. Then ask her if she notices how often she cancels plans, and if there is something you can do to help her be better about this. If she’s motivated to change, then gentle reminders should help her up her reliability rate — at least with you in particular.
Q: My sister does not discipline her children at all, and they are total nightmares — disrespectful, dishonest and unkind. She says my children are just naturally docile. I hint to her that I do certain things differently and that parenting matters. I don’t want to see these kids continue down this path, but I know she may tune out if I tell her her parenting stinks.
A: I agree that “Your parenting reeks worse than that time I left a rotisserie chicken in my car for three days” is not the way to go here, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have an honest discussion with her about your views. You’ll do best by keeping it specific rather than general, and data-based rather than personal, like: “I was disheartened when Bobby told you to shut up. I’m bothered by his treatment of you and others around you, and I don’t want to condone it in my house. I don’t want to overstep my bounds, but I have some ideas of ways that I can help.”
Be inviting and supportive, and willing to listen. And remember, it’s true that her kids may naturally be very different from yours and bring challenges that you are not aware of.
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of “The Friendship Fix.” For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.
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