The woman at the front of the line could not have been more enthused about her Christmas plans.
She had procured for her son the perfect gift — in fact, a bunch of them — and now all that was left was to plan the delivery.
“I’m going to wait until Christmas morning to give him the surprise,” the woman said, beaming.
The rest of us smiled and nodded with genuine admiration. It really was a brilliant display of holiday finesse. If only we could be so shrewd in our gift giving.
“He’s going to be so happy,” offered a man behind me.
The woman at the front of the line beamed some more. Her eyes gleamed with the satisfaction of having orchestrated true Christmas magic.
Do you suppose this touching scene played out at an electronics store? At Walmart, Kmart or The Home Depot?
No, bub. This year, this beaming woman was doing the bulk of her shopping at 8th District Court in Lewiston. Instead of buying her boy trinkets and gadgets and playthings, she had conspired with a court clerk to pay off all of his fines and court fees, clearing the path for him to get his driver’s license returned at long last.
It was a beautiful thing.
I don’t know much of anything about the young man’s legal woes, but I know that once she set her mind to addressing them, this mother had to spend considerable time at the court clerk’s window. There were documents to sign, copies to be made, math to be attended. And while it was frustrating to be waiting in line during all of that tedium, the rest of us in court that day felt as though we’d scored minor roles in a Lewiston-style Christmas special.
Let’s face it: There’s no devotion like a mother’s devotion. This lady was spending considerable time and coin to free her boy from the shackles of the court system. A fresh start. A clean slate. How could anything bought on Amazon possibly compete with that?
I wept a little. There’s no shame in that.
While I was pondering this mother’s unique gift to her son, it occurred to me that there are all kinds of ways that one can create holiday magic for their own loved ones, if said loved ones have run afoul of the criminal justice system.
You know what the say. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets strip searched.
Here is a small collection of ideas to make that special convict in your life feel worthy of a Lifetime holiday special starring Gerald McRaney and Judith Light.
• Glamour mugshots: If your cherished one has been arrested in the past year or so, why not get his or her mugshot blown up, printed and framed? Let’s face it: You can go to the most-expensive studio photographer at the mall and you still won’t get a photo anywhere near as captivating as even the most basic mugshot. Jail mugshots have their own kind of stark beauty. The flyaway hair, the hanging jaw, that “Oh, darn, I’m starting to sober up” expression that’s captured so nicely in the fluorescent glow of jail house bulbs … everybody loves a mugshot. Heck, I’m thinking of turning to a life of crime just so I can get one. Get your mugshot blown up life-size and strap it to the Christmas tree. You’ll fill your loved one with joy with the extra bonus of scaring the rest of the family out of their stockings.
• Personal recognizance gift certificate: Few things are as embarrassing as not being able to scrape together 50 lousy bucks to get yourself sprung from the hoosegow after a night of drunken debauchery. I mean, the shame of it! If you have a loved one who winds up in jail every time he drinks Jagermeister, why not spare him that kind of humiliation by giving him a few PR gift certificates to keep in his wallet? Give the gift of freedom this Christmas. That’s way better than a stupid Starbucks gift card.
• Police affidavit Hollywood treatment: When police apply for an arrest warrant, they typically write up a document detailing the alleged crime. If your loved one has been included in one of these, why not seek out a professional writer (hint, hint) to transform said document into a riveting screenplay? Even the most mundane criminal matter can be jazzed up exquisitely with a few well-placed adjectives, verbs and possibly a gerund or two. “The dastardly perpetrator was witnessed running out of the Getty Mart with a bottle of Jagermeister in each hand, said the lusty district attorney, her bosom heaving.” If you really want to generate the wows this Christmas, perhaps you could even hire some amateur stage folk (hint, hint) to act out the drama. I’ll start casting for the lusty district attorney at once.
• Ironclad alibi. Let’s be honest: Your loved one doesn’t need a DeWalt cordless reciprocating saw, a Game Boy or another tie. He needs someone to convince the po-po that he was nowhere near his neighbor’s chicken coop when it went up in flames on the day of The Incident. He was with you, am I right? Wink, wink? Nudge, nudge? Put a pretty bow on that lie and just keep sticking to that story. A good alibi is the gift that keeps on giving. Until the surveillance footage comes out, anyway.
• Pocket Constitution: Every time your hell-raising loved one gets arrested, he spouts, “I know my rights!’ at full, boozy volume to the arresting officer. I’m betting your loved one does NOT know his rights. Get him a copy of the Constitution and he’ll be able to quote all of the articles, sections and even the preamble at full, boozy volume. Cops love that.
• The gift of gab: Your loved one should also have an exhaustive list of things to say to the police officer who pulls him over. Things like, “Do you know who I AM?” or “My taxes pay your salary!” Not to mention, “I’ll sue!” or “I smell bacon.” A well-placed comment, such as one of these, will endear him to the officer and help smooth over any situation. Trust me. And enjoy that cavity search.
Mark LaFlamme is a Sun Journal staff writer. For an ironclad alibi, email him at mlaflamme@sunjournal.com.
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