For weeks, Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s reality TV time has been filled with matchmaking drama, sniping couples and not a small amount of metaphorical backstabbing.
But then, this past weekend, Netflix released season three of “Queer Eye.” And just like that, reality TV went from train wreck to terrific.
For those not familiar with the show, a primer: Five gay men help a deserving-but-desperate person turn their life around. It usually involves a new look and new home decor, but also a lot of affirmation, encouragement and love.
When a dentist gives a woman new front teeth decades after her kid brother accidentally knocked one out? When the Fab Five get a man to move out of his ratty camper and into a real home so he can spend quality time with his teenage son? It’s inspirational. It’s uplifting.
And holy heck is “Queer Eye” a cryfest, but, like, in the very best way.
For optimal viewing enjoyment, Bag Lady and Shopping Siren have assembled a list of items you’re going to need before (and probably after) sitting down to binge the eight new episodes. Because you need to watch it.
Tonight would be good.
- Make Up Forever Step 1 color corrector, 1 oz., Sephora inside JCPenney, $37
Bag Lady had never heard of green-tinted color corrector until seeing it used on ruddy, adorable Tom in “Queer Eye” season 1, and then, where does one even buy it? Turns out, here — about 100 steps inside JCPenney to the Sephora store-within-a-store. Color correcting returns this season when the guys take on pretty corrections officer Jody. Be ruddy no more!
- Youth to the People firm and brighten serum, 1 oz., Sephora inside JCPenney, $62
Because no one aspires to be saggy and dull. This serum is so the-times-we-live-in that its 2019-ness can barely be contained: The label says it includes kale, tripeptide 5, vitamin C and hyaluronic acid. You had us at kale, my hipster friend.
- Origins A Perfect World SPF 40 moisturizer, 1.7 oz., Sephora inside JCPenney, $45
Origins A Perfect World moisturizer (Online photo)
If you’re ever on “Queer Eye,” chances are Jonathan Van Ness will do three things: tell you you’re gorgeous, cut your hair and coat you in moisturizer. Don’t wait, start moisturizing now! This product happens to have white tea in it, which sounds like it would go well with, like, scones and jam. So there’s that. (Also, you are gorgeous.)
- Sephora lip balm, .123 oz., Sephora inside JCPenney, $6
This season, one gentleman got a lip mask from Jonathan. But we are embarrassingly unsure of what that is? Plus, we couldn’t find any in store? So we’ll just keep lip balming it unless and until the Fab Five come to tell us otherwise. This Sephora balm comes in a variety of uncommon scents/flavors, including rose, honey and watermelon. Shopping Siren was so taken with the coconut one that she bought it on the spot. So if you’re ever standing in line and suddenly realize the person in front of you smells like a pina colada, that might be her. Say hi.
- Danielle compact mirror, Kmart, $7.49
In one episode, Karamo Brown has a gentleman repeat self affirmations in the mirror. Heck, yes, he deserves love. Heck, yes, he’s good enough. Heck, yes, he’s a good father. Couldn’t we all use that? Heck, yes. On one side of this compact: a traditional mirror for affirming your awesomeness. On the other side: a lens with five-times magnification to make sure you nailed that cat eye.
- Kleenex 75-count ultra soft tissue cube, Kmart, $2.49
We’re not even exaggerating about the tears you will shed watching this show. Maybe grab two boxes.
- Hollywood Fashion Secrets style emergency kit, Kmart, $9.99
Kit includes 14 essentials, such as anti-static spray, hair band, deodorant-removing sponge and adhesive buttons, so you’ll never have a wardrobe malfunction again. Speaking of which. Kmart also sells Hollywood Fashion Secret’s silicone cover-ups ($14.99) for preventing nip slips. They’re reusable “up to 25 times,” according to the package. So fair warning: No. 26 is at your own peril.
- Hampton Forge 13-piece knife set, Kmart, $54.99
Antoni Porowski loves food, loves you, loves you loving food. (Also, he really wants people to stop putting tomatoes in the fridge.) His cooking lessons always seem to involve knife work of some kind, and this season he gave at least one or two people new kitchen knife sets. So grab these and follow along.
Best find: Jones Bar-B-Q sweet and tangy BBQ sauce, 15 oz., online at jonesbbqkc.com $6.99
The Kansas City Jones sisters are featured in episode three this season as the Fab Five radically make over their barbecue stand, set up meetings with a sauce distributor, fix one sister’s teeth, style their hair, re-outfit them — the works. The sisters’ secret barbecue sauce is available online with a seven- to 10-day shipping, due to its obscene popularity since the episode aired. Go ladies! The $8 shipping to Maine? Worth it to be part of that happy ending.
Think twice: About skipping this season
Reality could use a little fabulous.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who are in love with “Queer Eye” French bulldog Bruley) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.
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