Dr. Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post

Q. My husband’s sister nitpicks me a lot, and always has. She can be warm and loving one minute, but then harsh and cold the next. When we first met, my husband was getting over a broken engagement, and I think she never got over the fact that she didn’t get my husband’s ex as a sister-in-law (they were close and have much more in common). My husband and I are expecting our first child and she is expecting to be the child’s godmother. Honestly, I am not even thrilled about her being the aunt. How can I help convince my husband to resist this?

A. I understand this, for sure. But if you go into the conversation with the agenda of absolutely barring his sister from having this role, it is going to be difficult to get him to hear your point of view. This has to be a more nuanced discussion, with alternative options presented (both in terms of who else would be godparent and also how to frame the decision to her when she learns of it), a calm expression of your specific concerns and feelings about why she wouldn’t be the best choice, and — perhaps most important — a willingness to listen to his point of view. Being a godparent can look very different across different families, and it is possible that the two of you aren’t imagining it in the same way. A more thorough reality check could make it more palatable for you — or, on the other hand, help him to see your side. The sooner you have this talk, the better.

Q. My partner (together since 1998) is not able to retain personal things that I have shared with her (including general things like finances, just about everything) and keep them to herself. She shares this information with people she has known for only a little while (like colleagues at a new job). I find this to be very destructive to us, and she is nonresponsive to me when I tell her how to correct the behavior or keep her mouth shut. I find it to be really aggressive behavior on her part.

A. It’s funny you use the word “aggressive,” because I was feeling super warm and simpatico with you until you started to sound like a drill sergeant. You won’t get far in convincing her of anything if you don’t at least attempt to adopt an empathetic tone. She is prone to sharing these things for a reason: Do you have any idea what it is, and have you even asked? Is she trying to connect? Does she have no filter? Is she an impulsive blurter-outer? Does she, deep down, not share your opinion about what should be kept private and why? Might your standards be too strict about what should be taboo with co-workers? You will need to do more listening than commanding as you better identify the problem. Only then can you work together toward a plan for you each to respect the other’s needs.

Q. A potential friend told me about a recent conversation where her father exploded with violence and threw furniture across the room and and hit her mother. She insists that what he did “wasn’t so bad” and she “can handle it.” Nope. She has started texting little things about her day and wants to get together again and is clearly trying to build a friendship. I would be friends with her if she had a realistic view of her family’s behavior and drew safe boundaries around it. I know most people would just be “too busy” to get together, but that is cruel and cowardly. Should I be honest and say, “I’m sorry, but making excuses for your father’s behavior is a deal-breaker for me”? Or do you have a better script?

A. I agree that she deserves the truth. Ghosting people is rarely justifiable from a do-unto-others standpoint, and being honest could plant the seed that she and her mother are in an objectively dangerous situation that shouldn’t be condoned by anyone. So, use your discomfort to help her. There are no magic words, but try to make it less about whether her behavior measures up to some yardstick (so I would ditch the “deal-breaker” part, which — though it makes sense — could put her on the defensive about not being “good enough” to earn your companionship). Instead, focus on your concern about the situation. “I understand your stance about your family, and how hard the situation must be. But the fact that you are accepting the status quo makes me worried for you, and honestly, I would take on so much stress about the situation that I don’t think I can be the kind of friend that you would want.”

Dr. Andrea Bonior is a licensed clinical psychologist.

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