Some of the best writers I know were never English majors; one is a forester and another owned a bike shop, but they were both careful writers nevertheless, always proofreading what they’d written and not relying on spellcheck.
But since English majors are expected to be good writers and know their words — and I need a topic for this week’s column — I’ve decided to offer up (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy) “You Might Be an English Major If.” So join me, won’t you, to see if you are an English major, even if you aren’t.
For example, you might be an English major if your life is a constant battle between wanting to correct other people’s grammar and wanting to have friends.
Or you might be an English major if this Robert Benchley quote — “Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing” — runs through your mind every time you feel the need to point out another’s faux pas.
Do you hope people appreciate the effort you put into not correcting their grammar, but the moment you realize that you’re losing an argument, you start doing it anyway? If so, you might be an English major.
Other ways to tell whether you’re an English major include the desire to yell “can’t, didn’t, you’re” during the birth of your first child because you are having contractions. Or being the wise guy who responded “Who, me?” when your teacher asked you to name two pronouns.
When you’re in a restaurant and the young person strolls up to your table and announces “My name is Robert and I’ll be your server,” do you fight the overpowering urge to ask him, “You’ll be my server? What are you now?”? If so, you know what your major is (especially if you then proceed to order your eggs “over easily.”)
On your phone, do you think of yourself as practicing safe text because you always use a comma? Do you wonder what people who type “U” do with all their spare time, but worry that being grammatically correct in your texts makes you sound dry? Have you ever wanted to tell a fellow texter: “It’s ‘before,’ not ‘B4.’ We speak English, not bingo!” If that’s the case . . . well, you know.
And finally, consider how on earth “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo” could possibly be a grammatically correct sentence.
Because American buffalo are actually bison, this example of a “lexical ambiguity” by Professor William J. Rappaport at the University at Buffalo (where else?) can be translated to: Buffalo bison (that) Buffalo bison bully (also) bully Buffalo bison.”
Got it? If so, you might be an English major. Or perhaps you should have been.
Send questions/comments to the editors.
