Bag Lady has been a sports fan just once, the year it was necessary for the Boston Red Sox to win the World Series without going a full seven games so as not to interfere with her hosting an epic Halloween blowout. She rooted, they won and the party rocked — there are still thousands of twinkling lights stapled to the ceiling to prove it.
Shopping Siren routinely roots for the Sox but with football she knows more about Tom Brady’s tight end than any actual, well, tight end.
So when it comes to Super Bowl LV, that’s where we’re coming from, toddler-level knowledge.
But there’s also this: We. Need. A. Party. YOU need a party. One with virtual guests, of course, but still: chips, dip, little bacon-wrapped scallops, greasy fingers on the remote, Smart Food popcorn in every crevice (of the couch, not you, gross), unabashed yelling (“Go purple!” “Go kicker who looks like an accountant!”), cracking open a White Claw (is it sort of like Zima? Let’s find out!), hollering to your neighbors at half-time (“Yo Pete! Your goat’s out again!”), staying up too late and getting sucked into a fervor just for fun fervor’s sake!
WHO’S WITH US?!
Alright then, it’s game time.
• Manic Panic rock ‘n’ roll red hair color cream, Sally Beauty, $10.99
After Googling who made it into the big game — not kidding, toddler-level knowledge here — BL is inclined to start out rooting for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just for the love of a pirate theme. With Brady there now, it’s unclear if, as New Englanders, we’re supposed to feel very betrayed or root for our former hometown guy, so we’ll leave that for sportsier minds.
Regardless of whether you’re pulling for the Buccaneers or Kansas City Chiefs, Manic Panic’s semi-permanent rock ‘n’ roll red will have your team color-inspired locks Instagram ready for pre-party pics. Accessorize accordingly with a giant KC on your cheek or a buckle in your swash.
• Ben & Jerry’s, 16 oz., assorted flavors, Wards Neighborhood Market, $3.99
Appetizer or it’s-finally-over-after-four-hours dessert? Heck, it’s your party, you decide. Bag Lady’s pick: Phish Food all day long. Shopping Siren’s: Cherry Garcia plus more Cherry Garcia because those pints aren’t all that big.
FYI: Wards is also fantastic stop for scallops, but don’t buy them all before we get there.
• Football themed chocolate cupcakes, Hannaford, $4.99
Need more sugar? Hannaford offers half a dozen cupcakes smushed together and covered with the store’s best creme frosting shaped like a football. On-theme chocolate is our favorite kind of chocolate.
• Doritos and Coke, CVS, both buy-one-get-one-free
F*R*E*E is like T*O*U*C*H*D*O*W*N to our ears!
• Meat packages, Bourque’s Market, $44-$133
The pack that includes 2 pounds of ribs, 2 pounds of chicken breast and 2.5 pounds of hot dogs is really speaking to us. Hey, it’s been a long pandemic.
• Football themed wood wall decor, Hobby Lobby, $4.50 and up
Sure, you could toss around some colorful streamers and tiny plastic footballs, but why go “10-year-old’s birthday party” when you can go “sophisticated lover of sporting events.” These wooden signs offer pithy sayings like “If you think I’m cute now, you should see me in my jersey” and “Hustle, hit, never quit.” Or plunk down $25 and get the Super Bowl champions mega wall decor, with all icons showing all the Super Bowl winners for more than 50 years. Looks good and serves as a cheat sheet for people who know nothing about the Super Bowl but want a great excuse to eat wings and talk to humans again. So most people reading this sentence.
Best find: Foam pirate sword, Hobby Lobby, $3.99
You can wave this sword around shouting “Argh, matey, that was an interception!” And, yup, that’s it, we’re Buccaneers fans now.
Think twice: About skipping the Super Bowl celebration this year.
You don’t have to go out. Your virtual guests don’t have to see how you threw everything into the broom closet five minutes before kickoff. You get to eat your weight in junk food and play with a foam sword and yell at the TV. It’s the 2021 dream party.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who have gotten more walks in the past year than in the past 12 combined) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.
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