Photo by Lillian Lake
September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month. For most of us, it will pass unnoticed. For others, it will resonate like deep-sounding bongs from bells ringing in a hollow hallway.
When we talk about suicide, it seems to be in light of a particular segment of society. An area of specific interest for me is “bereavement suicide” following the death of a loved one, particularly a life partner.
Last week, I wrote about Widow’s Fire. This week’s topic may seem the direct opposite. However, the two are closely related as extreme expressions of grief that seek healing and reason for being. For you see, suicide ideation is not from wanting to die but from wanting not to live life as it is.
Suicide has a long history of condemnation. Indeed, “committing suicide” stems from the idea of condemning. Using the phrase “dying by suicide” doesn’t change the outcome, but in using it, we will understand it is as essential to talk about suicide as it is to talk about cancer, Alzheimer’s, or diabetes. Western Culture isn’t comfortable talking about death and dying, adding another layer to blocking awareness of what it is to die and what it is to live. Let’s get comfortable.
In terms of prevention, we need to be aware that when we have the loss of a loved one (through death or anticipating death), a few situations experienced may be:
Loss of social placement
Lack of knowledge of how to do chores our loved one did.
Loss of financial security
No close friends or anyone to listen.
Loss of anything that previously gave us a purpose for living coincided with losing a partner.
The few studies I’ve found have seemed sterile and overly cautious. One such study, “The Broken Heart: Suicidal Ideation in Bereavement,” seemed hopeful until I got into the meat of it. The researchers thought asking direct questions about suicide ideation to be indelicate.
However, it was 2005, and this was a prevalent idea, even to the point that if we talk about suicide, it will prompt someone to die by suicide, which is not valid. The reality is talking about suicide does not create suicide ideation or completion.
Indeed, there’s more evidence that it saves lives. Talking about suicide, death, and dying, and our personal experiences and feelings when loss happens, offers care, relief, and opens the space for healing.
Suicide when grieving the loss of a loved one — friend, relative, or life partner — is not unusual or specific to a situation but rather an expansion of the grieving process.
If any of this resonates, please get in touch with a friend, someone else you trust, a professional counselor, or a death doula.
Albert Camus is a philosopher with whom I share very little in common with views about life or God. However, I agree with his philosophy that “the question of whether life is worth living is central to our understanding of how we ought to live our lives” (https://www.thecollector.com/albert-camus-meaning-of-life/)
I hope these tough conversations become everyday conversations.
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