This space for rent
So, you don’t want to put a casino in the Bates Mill. Well, ya gotta put something in there or the number of rats will grow to army-size and then we’re all toast. Fortunately, the suggestions have been trickling in, including these from my friend Steve, who really ought to get back on his medication:
“Solution #1: Make the Bates Mill into the largest bowling alley not only in Maine, but the entire country!! Think of it, Mark, 145 alleys with never having to wait for an open alley!
Solution #2: Make the Bates Mill into a smoker’s club. Since you can’t smoke anywhere in public these days, you make a Smokers-Only lounge. It would be huge. You could have a filters-only section, a non-filters section, brand-name section, generic-names section, etc. Just think of it: 875 smokers all united, under one roof. Pretty cool!
Solution #3: Erect a mini-mall in the Bates Mill. Have a Dunkin Donuts, a CVS, a Rite-Aid, a Walgreen’s and of course the obligatory Chinese restaurant.”
Fine ideas, all. Much better than my idea for the mill: Mega Hooters. If you have any brighter ideas, send them to Sun Journal Staff Writer Kathryn Skelton, who will take your top ideas to local developers for their feedback . . . and who so far refuses to reveal which idea she’s rooting for (*cough* Bigfoot sanctuary *cough*). kskelton@sunjournal.com.
Swift Justice
State Police arrested an Oakland man at an Andover residence where he had been squatting while the homeowner was on vacation. The man told the trooper that his dog and Jesus told him to break into the residence because he was supposed to meet Taylor Swift there and marry her in the back yard. The fellow was charged with theft and criminal trespass.
If your dog tells you something, that’s one thing. If Jesus tells you something, it’s another. When they BOTH tell you that Taylor Swift is coming to marry you, man you better get your tuxedo out of moth balls stat.
In Da Nile
Future Auburn Mayor Jonathan Labonte is off to Egypt and Jordan, where he will no doubt organize a movement to build a trail system through the pyramids and other ancient wonders. Subsequently, I will get in trouble for riding my motorcycle on said trail, but will deny everything, even with mummy gauze hanging from my spokes.
Jimmy
It pains me to say this. But if you haven’t seen Jimmy Fallon’s impersonation of the late, great Jim Morrison, get thee to Google right now and look it up. In my long and arduous study of Morrison, I’ve never seen anyone who nails it so spookily. Jimmy Fallon, the new Lizard King. All that’s left for him to do is expose himself and pass out in a spreading pool of his own pee. Go, Jimmy, go.
Fireworks ban in Lewiston?
If you ban fireworks, we won’t get one thousand calls per day, every day, in June and July from callers alerting us that there is gunfire downtown. Are you trying to put me out of a job, Mr. Councilor?
Don’t answer that.
Seeing red
The following typo appeared in a press release from the Jesus Party. Can you find it?
“On Monday, Dec. 19, and Tuesday, Dec. 20, at 6 p.m., the ministry will roll out into the streets on the holy roller express vans for an evening of hot chocolate and Christmas light cursing.”
You can count me in, Brother Doug. In fact, I’ve already started.
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