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Shopping Siren used to love walking through the forest. It was serene there, surrounded by the chittering of small woodland creatures, the heavy scent of pine, the dappled light that played through the trees.
Then came the ticks.
Now she finds parking lots serene. Or at least blood-sucker-free. Which is a kind of serenity, if less dappled and pine-fresh.
Bag Lady used to be a go-with-the-flow type when it came to random itches and twitches. Then, just last week, one of those “barely there sensations” turned out to be a latched-on tick.
Now she’s more prone to panic. As in jumping, flailing, yelping CHECK MY BACK NOW. I FELT A TICKLE. In the middle of dinner.
Ticks suck. So. Much.
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It’s not the grossness of it. Well, it is. It is the grossness of it, because tiny blood-sucking bugs are gross.
But we’re also being medically pragmatic here. Ticks carry diseases. (So many.) And we do not want the muscle aches or memory problems or a sudden allergy to red meat that can come with them. (Seriously. It’s a thing.)
So when you happen to catch us shrieking and all-but-pole-vaulting over a little patch of grass, think “medically pragmatic.”
It gets tiresome, though, this tick vigilance. We’d like to go back to hiking through the woods and strolling through the park and eating dinner without twitching off imaginary bugs.
Surely there’s a way to deal with these suckers.
Surely, we must shop.
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* Tick Twister, Paris Farmers Union, $4.99
A little green gadget with a forked mouth that you’re supposed to ease between your skin and the attached tick, then gently twist until it lets go and you stop screaming. So, like, a couple seconds.
* Arctick for Pets, Paris Farmers Union, $11.49
Officially kicking things up a notch: Don’t just twist ticks off — freeze them off! Arctick’s spray is supposed to kill the little blood-suckers on contact, then you use the supplied oversized green tweezers to remove the body. According to the package: “100 percent safe for pets. 100 percent deadly for ticks.” Much better than the other way around.
* Tick Tactic, Paris Farmers Union, $9.95
A little kit in an Altoids-size tin, complete with tweezers, an alcohol pad, plastic baggie, tiny pencil and paper for ID’ing your tick and then writing it a very nasty note. It’s made in Maine! We love that. Ticks? Still hate.
* Ben’s 30 percent DEET tick and insect repellent, 6 oz., Paris Farmers Union, $6.99
Ah, this brings back memories of childhood. Memories involving camping, noises that were almost certainly from an angry Big Foot and mosquitoes the size of baseballs. We cannot vouch for the repellent’s effectiveness against ticks, but no one was eaten by Big Foot that night. So. There’s that.
* The Ultimate Insect Repellent (DEET-free), 8 oz., Paris Farmers Union, $5.99
Made with botanical oils like lemongrass and peppermint. It claims to have beat a 20 percent DEET product in testing against Lone Star ticks and done as good as that DEET product on testing against wood ticks. Obviously, ticks are the only creatures in the world who don’t like peppermint.
* Pet Naturals Flea + Tick repellent spray, 8 oz., Pet Life, $17.99
One of the few products we found that said it was safe for horses. Which is great because we’re pretty sure horses must get ticked all the time.
* Earth Animal Flea and Tick Program, 8 oz., Pet Life, $21.99
A “daily internal powder” that you feed your dog or cat to help them “produce a scent rejected by bugs.” Scent is supposed to be undetectable by humans but loathed by bugs. If it works, that would be great. Also, we would be tempted to sprinkle it on our s’mores. But we’re sure that’s probably unwise. (Public service announcement: Marshmallow and chocolate should never be mixed with tick repellent.)
* Shoo!TAG, Pet Life, $29.99
Attaches easily to your dog’s collar! Lasts up to four months! Uses your dog’s own electrical field to protect him from fleas and ticks! Um . . . we don’t know about that last one. Call us skeptical, but we’re thinking Fido’s electromagnetic energy isn’t enough to repel a hungry tick or 12. But you try it and let us know how it works. We’ll be waiting inside.
It won’t prevent a tick bite, but this 91 percent rubbing alcohol spray will at least disinfect the tiny hole they leave behind. And again, we say, “gross.” Probably not good to dump the entire bottle over the be-ticked body part, but we’d want to. Oh, how we’d want to.
* Band-Aid with antibiotic-infused pads, Rite Aid, $4.99
There’s got to be at least one tick-sized Band-Aid in this variety 20-pack. Got to be.
Best find: Mesh outfit, Paris Farmers Union, $6.09-$15.99
Pair a mesh head covering with mesh Coghlan’s Bug Pants and Bug Jacket for a billowy, drab green head-to-toe ensemble. The official line: Bugs won’t be able to reach your delicate skin through what is, essentially, a mesh suit. Our take: They’ll simply be too embarrassed to be seen within 40 feet of you. Hey, whatever works.
Think twice: Resultix, 0.65 oz., Pet Life, $9.99
Spray the tick attached to your pet. Wait three hours. Remove said tick if it still hasn’t fallen off yet. Just seems so . . . torturous. Meow! Bark! Ruh-ruh-ruh! Translates to: “Just remove it already! Jerk!” We’d have to agree.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who laugh in the face of ticks but flee from spiders) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.
