It happens every January like clockwork. Bag Lady starts to suffer from LSD, low shopping drive.
The symptoms: General retail malaise. Diminished surplus funds. Zero entice-ability.
A 30 percent off Kohl’s coupon that arrived in the mail last week didn’t even make me consider for one second going into the store or hopping online.
I know. It’s that bad.
So instead of scouring the local racks this week, it’s a non-shopping mash-up.
Property Brothers! Men without shirts! Christmas 2015: The Revenge!
Let’s get to it.
It’s beginning to … wait, what?
Bag Lady’s personal post-Christmas, now-nearly-February snapshot:
3: Number of lingering Christmas gifts yet to be gifted.
2: Number of those gifts that include a box of peanut M&Ms that have not been devoured sometime in the past three months. (The giftee would never know what they’re missing! It’s the perfect M&M crime!) Their continued, unscathed existence is Bag Lady’s holiday miracle.
1: Number of Christmas trees still up. We did stop lighting it, hmm, maybe two weeks ago. If that makes it better. Which it doesn’t. But if it did.
On why you Google
Bag Lady loves “Property Brothers,” the HGTV show with dashing twins Jonathan and Drew Scott. The two pitch homeowners on derelict properties, win said property in a bidding war, find asbestos in the kitchen closet, hammer things relentlessly, paint every wall a soft shade of gray, lay out throw pillows and make the new homeowners cry at their renovative prowess, all in 60 minutes.
They just hit 100 episodes — Congrats, guys! — but here’s what Bag Lady doesn’t understand: Every episode opens with the brothers first showing the homeowners a property they absolutely can’t afford, eliciting oohs and ahhs, only to be crestfallen moments later when they’re told, “Psych! It’s too pricey, so a-renovating we will go!”
As a viewer, you always feel so bad for those would-be homeowners watching their dreams shatter as it dawns they’ve been baited-and-switched. But, 100 episodes! How on earth do they keep finding people who’ve never heard of the show? Do these people never Google before filming?
It boggles.
Shirtless wonder
This one’s been bothering me for a little while. Why does Tim Smith, one of the stars of Discovery channel’s “Moonshiners,” RARELY wear a shirt? Like, he’s attending a trade show in Poland, he’s shirtless. Working in the bottling plant in Virginia — shirtless. We see an old photo of him as a teen — shirtless. And why doesn’t this middle-aged man have any chest or back hair, not one speck, because he doesn’t appear to be a fellow who would be all-in on a half-body shaving/waxing ritual?
Boggled. Again.
YEAH!
On this front I’m not boggled: “Project Runway All-Stars” starts Feb. 11 on Lifetime. I love an all-star season: You already know the talents, the personalities. It’s just a matter of seeing them get asked to make a ball gown out of a banana peel and haddock for the first time.
OK, so I think we can clearly see that when I don’t feel like shopping, I definitely view more TV.
Retailer R.I.P.
A savvy Auburn Mall shopper alerted us that Pac Sun is closing soon. (No date yet, according to a clerk.) That’s definitely too bad, even if Bag Lady fit their demographic decades ago. If then. I did rock a belly shirt once. One day in eighth grade specifically.
Bedding bargain
Remember the $7,000 Maine-made covered-in-Swarovski-crystals-quilt Bag Lady told you about last month in the Maine-made holiday gift guide?
Excellent call not buying it for Christmas.
That crystal quilt is now $5,000. It’s like getting a 29 percent coupon in the mail! So you can probably totally afford that now. It’s gorgeous in purples, greens and creams, and it would look fabulous right …
Wait, Jonathan and Drew, what are you doing here?
Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who watch loads of TV in the winter and enjoy the outlaw dogs on “Moonshiners”) and the customer service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at baglady@sunjournal.com.
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