Forewarn the pigs and chickens. Preceded by oodles of publicity about her purloined sex tapes, notorious “celeb-utante” Paris Hilton goes down on the farm Tuesday in the premiere of Fox’s “The Simple Life.”
She’s accompanied by lazy, hazy pal Nicole Richie for what could be the big-buzz “reality” romp of the season on a network that’s been hitless since baseball’s playoffs and World Series ended. Who really knows, though? Divining the public’s taste is a near-impossible task these days. Will viewers relish watching two richly spoiled Beverly Hills playgirls go “Eeeew” in Altus, Ark.? Or has America at last had its fill of Fox’s artificially flavored junk food?
Initially set for a mid-summer premiere, “Simple Life” was re-routed to the more competitive “regular” season after a July interview session drew intense interest from a lip-curled pack of TV critics. Yours truly, being a man of rarefied tastes, joined in the fun by asking the two exhibitionists to reveal their “grossest farm chore.”
“Milking cows is the worst,” said Paris before Nicole easily trumped her. Here’s the verbatim play-by-play:
Nicole: “I actually had to “
Paris: “Eeeew!”
Nicole: “I preg-tested cows. And so, that was disgusting. I had to-“
Paris: “See if they’re pregnant.”
Richie: “Yeah, to see if they’re pregnant. So I just stuck this, like, Latex glove on my arm, up to here, and “
Paris: “Eeeew!”
Nicole: “And I put baby oil on and I had to shove my hand up their (behind). It was so gross. It was warm.”
Paris: “Eeeew! I couldn’t even think about it.”
Nicole: “It cuts off your circulation in your arm. It was, like, ugh!”
All of which begged for a probing follow-up question.
“Did the cow seem to enjoy it?” your dogged correspondent inquired.
“No. It was like, screaming,” Paris contended before Nicole again delivered the goods.
“They loved it, what are you talking about?” she protested. “It’s the luckiest cow in Arkansas!”
The room erupted with a mixture of laughter, applause, whoops, hollers. Right that moment, or so it seemed, Fox executives knew they had a hot property worth much more than a throwaway summer fling.
Welcoming the girls to their “Green Acres” abode are the suitably homespun Ledings. Albert, 41, is billed as “head of the household.” His wife, Janet, 38, drives bus part-time while also tending to sons Justin, 19, Cayne, 15 and Braxton, 4. A fourth Leding offspring, 20-year-old Ryan, is in the military. This opens a slot for grandparents Richard, 76, and “Curly,” 72, the family chicken-plucker.
The first two half-hour episodes intend to prove that Paris and Nicole, both 22, are clueless in the real world but very excellent at changing outfits. After a big sendoff at a posh lawn party, they arrive in Altus (population 817) and encounter a pickup truck.
“This is so ghetto,” Paris soon deduces.
Nicole, hard-partying daughter of singer Lionel Richie, appears to be the nominal brains of this duo. Even vacuous Jessica Simpson, who famously thought Chicken of the Sea was chicken on MTV’s “Newlyweds,” will have to abdicate her dim bulb blonde throne after Paris asks Janet Leding, “What are wells for?”
She’s later perplexed by Wal-Mart, too.
“It’s like they sell wall stuff?” Paris wonders.
Episode 2 finds the twosome toiling at nearby Danny’s Dairy Farm while Paris’ teacup Chihuahua Tinkerbell tries to co-exist with little Braxton.
Danny finally pays them $42 apiece after barking, “You’re kind of a screwup, ya know it?”
It’s his way of saying they’re fired, which makes Nicole and Paris both giggly and apprehensive upon returning home.
“I feel like Albert’s the type that would, like, suffocate me in my sleep,” Nicole says.
Why spoil the fun, though? Sticking it to the rich will never provoke a public outcry, even if “Simple Life” clearly stages much of its ongoing “reality.” This includes a shot of stern Pa Leding looking suspiciously out of his bedroom window as the girls make a late-night escape into town at the close of Episode 2.
Golly, you think those girls might be in for a spankin’ when they get back?
Sorry, that would have to be a pay-per-view event.
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THE SIMPLE LIFE
8:30 p.m. EST Tuesday, Fox. Starring Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie. Produced by Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray. 30 mins.
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AP-NY-11-25-03 1333EST
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