It’s 3 in the morning. Do you know what your third cousin twice-removed is doing? Do you know what your elementary school study partner had for lunch or what your very first girlfriend named her goldfish?
Of course you do. Because you’re on Facebook and now people you haven’t seen, heard from or thought of in like, forever, are your closest intimates.
You know what they have for dinner. You know where they go on vacation in that ongoing effort to produce children. You know the names of their pets, the kind of music they like and what they do in their private moments.
In matters of Facebook, there is no such thing as TMI. On one page, you can hear all about Mike’s sexual conquest, learn about Aunt Clovis’ religious conversion and discover with regret that poor Patty is throwing up again.
Status updates are not confined to once-a-month overviews anymore. Ardent users become genuinely uncomfortable if they don’t advise their giant circle of e-friends on the hour that they are going to the gym, killing a spider in the bathtub, having stewed prunes for dinner or doing absolutely nothing at all.
“Doing absolutely nothing at all” is a legitimate Facebook status that is used every day.
Some call it pure narcissism: “I am so adored, people DO care about my problems with regularity.”
Others suggest it’s just another sign of our great need to be part of society, while conspiracy types warn that it’s all a scheme by the government to keep track of its minions.
Whatever, player. You keep posting those status updates and so will I. Just bear in mind that each of us belongs to one or several of the following classifications of Facebook types, carefully prepared by myself after hours of studying you people.
Some of the examples are real while others are made up. I’m not telling you which is which. Just pay attention because you may recognize yourself.
Or recognize your cousin with that lamentable irregularity.
The Nearly Dead Hypochondriac: These are people who are so sick so often, it’s a wonder they can crawl to the computer to let you all know about their condition. “Didn’t sleep last night because of the fever and today my stool is dark…” is the kind of update you will get upon the hour.
The Obscurist: These are people who think they are Nietzsche. If they write in riddles, you are expected to think them deep: “It’s a long road with no turning …”
The Attention Baiter: It’s like the Facebook equivalent of Munchausen Syndrome. They want your pity and attention, but can’t come right out and ask for it: “I can’t believe this is happening to me …
The Tedious Detail Provider: “Got Pumpkin off to day care, stopped at Hannaford and now will loofah my inner thighs before starting dinner…”
The Spousal Suck-up: “I am so lucky to have married such a wonderful woman that I could just explode love all over myself.”
The Supper Plans Obsessive, often combined with Spousal Suckup: “Have decided to add chick peas to the lamb and rice tonight at hubby’s request.”
The I-Can-Be-Cool-and-not-Embarrass-My-Kid Parent: “What’s up, hep cats? Anyone want to hear a groovy story about the time my Laura first asked me why she was growing hair down there?”
The Sickeningly Sweet AKA Ziggy Syndrome: “A single hug from a friend is worth more than all the money in the world!!!” The triple exclamation will make you hurl.
The Obvious: “Fall is here and it will get colder.”
The Desperately-Seeking-Real-World-Friends: “ne body want to hang tonight and watch IDOL?”
The Blossoming Alcoholic: “Got wasted at Gritty’s last night. Hitting the Goose this afternoon! Hair of the dog, baby!!”
The Self-Promoter: “Check out my books at www.marklaflamme.com!”
The Allegedly Overworked: These people are everywhere. It’s amazing how they work their fingers to the bone but still have fingers to provide details of their amazing work ethic eight times a day: “Another nine-hour day and more tomorrow. Sigh.”
The Martyr: “No time for a personal life while helping mom through her yeast infection. Hope the rest of you are having fun tonight. Sigh.”
The Beavis and/or Butthead: “Uh huh-huh-huh. Anybody here a fan of ‘Tool?'”
The Partisan Crybaby: “I’m a tea bagger! Don’t come crying to me when HUSSEIN Obama turns this country into a socialist state and we all die.”
The Serial Inviter: “Hilda has invited you to the groups COMPARE DOLL COLLECTIONS and VIRGINS UNITE”
The Perpetually Amorous: “I would SO hit Taylor Swift…”
The Song Lyric Copyright Infringer: Similar to the Nietzsche types, these folks will appropriate the work of others in an attempt to make themselves appear profound: “All in all it’s just another brick in the wall…”
The TV Addicted: “‘Fringe’ tonight! ‘New Project Runway’ tomorrow! Yay!!!”
The WTFer: Never writes anything original at all. Just posts random links or pics followed by “WTF???”
The Vanished: This is the unfortunate fellow or lass who used to update every day and who was just having a grand old time. But then his or her mother got a Facebook account and after that, it just wasn’t the same. We don’t hear from The Vanished anymore and we miss him or her. Let us bow our heads to these sorry souls because for them, the party ended early.
Facebook by the numbers
More than 300 million active users
50% of our active users log on to Facebook in any given day
The fastest growing demographic is those 35 years old and older
Average user has 130 friends on the site
More than 6 billion minutes are spent on Facebook each day (worldwide)
More than 40 million status updates each day
More than 10 million users become fans of Pages each day
Source: Facebook.com
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