Deer herd is down
Tell that to the guy who got rammed by one while riding his bicycle in Poland. From his perspective, the back roads are clogged with more deer than falling leaves. Seriously, who gets mowed over by a deer in a day when there are more strip malls than forests? Oh, right. Matt Lauer. Thanks to all ten thousand of you who wrote to remind me of that.
Pumpkin harvest hurting
At least the bicycle guy probably doesn’t have to get mowed over by one of these. Although … you know what? Steer clear of the pumpkin patches, friend. Someone is out to get you.
Desperately seeking birdman
I’m looking for a dude who wanders around Lewiston with a huge green and yellow bird propped on his shoulder. No, I haven’t been guzzling Nyquil again. He’s a real man with a real bird. I think. That’s why I’m trying to find him. Can you help a brother out?
Leaf peeping
Look everybody! Nature is dying! Isn’t it glorious?
Apple picking
When they put up signs saying “no throwing apples” they mean it. Some old woman made me go out and fetch a switch with which she could beat me.
Corn maze
When they put up signs saying “no dirt bikes” they mean it.
Things that make you go GACK!
How about that MacKenzie Phillips revelation, huh? Pretty shocking. Although I have to admit, when I heard that a former star from “One Day at a Time” was confessing to some sort of sexual ugliness, I figured Valerie Bertinelli was probably coming clean about her smoking romance with Snyder, the building super. I mean, come on Valerie. Time to come clean and make Snyder the hero we all know he is.
Godfather lite
To the person who left the severed wicker duck’s head on my desk: well played, my friend. Message delivered, message received. (The message being: Someone out there is badly in need of psychiatric care.)
Plum crazy
The Plum Creek plan has been approved and isn’t that like having your darling daughter announce she plans to be deflowered and there’s nothing you can do about it? The plans call for 2,000 housing units and the people who can afford those units sooner or later will also require restaurants and golf resorts, pharmacies and a Starbucks around every tree. Today at Moosehead you can look up and see a million stars at night. Tomorrow they will be lost in a haze of sodium light. Today, you need to wrestle with a road map and brave rutted roads to get to your tiny camp on Lily Bay. Tomorrow: clogged traffic. Your beautiful child is growing up and being taken over by slick money men from the city.
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