Dr. Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post

Q: I am dating again two years after a bitter divorce. My ex-husband was incapable of pulling his weight financially, so it was always up to me to keep us afloat. He did not keep jobs for long and thought nothing of blowing our savings despite bringing in very little. This time, I am determined to find someone who can provide, at least for himself, to avoid this constant source of stress. I am getting pushback about being a “gold digger,” that I need to get to know someone longer before hearing about their financial situation. Is it that bad for me to want to know right off the bat that I am not wasting my time with someone who will be like my ex-husband?

A: First, where is this pushback coming from? Are you publicly attempting to secure the bank account numbers of your blind dates before you will agree to meet them? Or are you just telling your friends that finding a man who can pull his weight financially is important to you, and they are opining in a negative way? I am guessing it is the latter, but their opinions shouldn’t dictate your behavior, and they may be oversimplifying the situation. Sure, money can’t make a love match. But lack of financial responsibility sure can wreck a match, and create a lot of turmoil in the process. Given your experiences, your mindset seems reasonable — the same way a person who has had their heart broken by a partner’s substance abuse may prefer a non-drinker. Let yourself search out what is right for you to best avoid heartache — as long as you are respectful and nonintrusive in your information-gathering.

Q: A co-worker of mine loves to shop and is always buying things for everyone. I think she comes from a wealthy family and just is able to spend a ton of money without thinking about it. But I also think she uses it as a control thing. Honestly, most of the things she buys are nice and I do want them, but I feel like that makes me beholden to her if I accept them. I am not comfortable with it. And yet I have already accepted enough things that it would feel really strange for me to stop accepting them, but I feel like I am getting dug into a hole here. Please help!

A: It may feel strange to stop accepting them, but it clearly doesn’t feel great to you to keep it up, and waiting will only make it harder to stop. Feeling beholden to her (whether that is her intention or not) won’t magically cease — it will only get more entrenched. And by not speaking up about something that makes you uncomfortable, you make that problematic power dynamic even more stark, and give her even more control. “Bernice, you have been so generous for so long. I can no longer accept these purchases, though. It is very kind, but it is too much.” Then utilize a “That is so nice, but no thank you” as many times as necessary when the cashmere starts popping up again.

Q. My 4-year-old was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, and my husband and I disagree about whether to tell friends and family. I think it is nothing to be ashamed of, and it could be helpful for our friends to have context for his behavior. My husband thinks it will prejudice people against him.

A: I understand your husband’s worries, but there is a point at which being so concerned about other people’s judgments could end up making your child feel judgmental about himself. Talk to your husband about the sweet spot: You need not declare, “This is my son John, on the spectrum!” at every first meeting, but I agree with you that when it is helpful as context, conveying it in an open and specific way will help, not hurt. As for family, it seems even more likely that their knowing would be a blessing, especially those who will use it as an opportunity to learn more, giving new understanding to your son rather than putting him in a box. Getting to know other parents of kids on the spectrum — there are lots of communities online — could also be a source of guidance.

Dr. Andrea Bonior is a licensed clinical psychologist.

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